???Gender???

I know it has been too long since i blogged but I have a topic I would like to discuss. Lets talk about gender. At birth, our parents are told...."you have a baby boy" or "you have a baby girl". So we are slapped with a gender label as soon as we enter the world. Then our parents start dressing us up in pink for girls and blue for boys. We are given "appropriete" gender toys to play with. All our life we are told "girls do this" or "boys do this"! Who decided all this? I Know this is all very vague.....don't worry I will write more later. I have lots to talk about on this subject but I want to hear what you have to say.


Also, check out my new flickr site.

non-excitement

I can't believe it has been two weeks since i posted last. I guess my life has been non-exciting lately. It seems each day just slowly passes by. Some excitement recently was sexy's mom coming to visit. It was nice to hang out with her and sexy. She met my son for the first time and I think that went well. I have set up a new facebook account and that has been fun finding friends and playing scrabble. I definitely like it a lot better than myspace. Not much else to report.

Society?

Why do we live in a World where everyone else decides what is best for us or what is right or wrong. I am talking about the expections or rules that society puts on us. Today while talking to Connie this issue came up. We were talking about gender and how as a lesbian I am suppose to fit into some category....femme, butch, boi.....etc. I was telling her how this bugs me. I am not a femme.....never was but I definitely wouldn't classify myself as butch or boi. I guess for me it is important to just be me. One should be who they want to be. Who they feel comfortable being. When i told her this I was shocked that she said she feels society pressures her to have certain characteristics that she does not want to have. Yes, even straight people have pressure put onto them by society. Why is it that a women can't wear mens clothes without someone staring at them or a women not shave her legs without someone pointing it out. This is what the focus of my next few blogs will be about. Please share your thoughts and opinions.

A new post? Why yes it is!

Things have been crazy lately. Last week sexy had this big curtain project that she was feeling bad about so I helped her out as much as I could. That included a big chunk of my day on Thursday and all day Saturday and Sunday. We did start out the weekend having a good time at the Alma event of Friday night. Sexy and I double dated with Charles and Hugo to go to the fundraising event. It was nice to get out and have adult conversation. I got up early on Saturday to come back to my place because my new refridgerator was arriving. After that I had just enough time to pick up sexy and head downtown to work on curtains. The rest of my weekend included lots of pinning (my poor fingertips), some measuring, cutting and a little ironing. At 8:15 sunday night the curtains were done!

Monday was one of those days to forget. I was having a Debbie Downer day. One of those "I can't believe this is my life and it is ever going to get any better" days. I then did some tutoring in the afternoon and then I took sexy up to Vogue to get foam for another of her projects. They didn't have it but it was ordered so i guess it wasn't a total waste of time, although i felt a phone call could have taken care of that too. Sexy then helped to motivate me and helped me with a list of things to do the next day.

Then yesterday as I was enjoying my breakfast and reading the paper I glance at my horoscope. It said something about good job opportunity day. I decided I should take some time to do that inbetween my cleaning. I am glad I did. By chance I contacted a school who is looking for a teacher and they wanted me to fax off my resume. I did that and shortly after I got a call and it looked like a CPS number so I answered thinking it was the principal of the school I just faxed my resume too. No, it was a different school that I had sent my resume to a few weeks ago. They wanted to interview me. So, now I have an interview Thursday and maybe the possibility of more. That is exciting!

Nasty Smell!!!

I had a good time in Iowa. It is nice to get away from my stresses. Going back to Iowa is just not the same anymore. My parents have moved which is fine by me. I like their new place. I think it mostly feels weird because I made a lot of trips to Iowa this summer and they were never for good things. I think in time that feeling will go away. Like with any trip to Iowa there is always bad news. This time about my dad. It seems that his kidneys are not functioning like they should, which we have known, so the doctor is going to start him on dialysis. My dad was very distant and very anti-social when I was there. I am very worried about him and my mom.


On my way back from Iowa I was thinking about my job situation and everything else. I decided I was not going to get down and try to be more positive when I get back home. I was looking forward to seeing sexy and going dancing with her. Well, that faded quickly when I walked into my apartment and it smelled rotten. My refrigerator/freezer had quit working at some point in time over the weekend. Everything was ruined!!! What a mess! I didn't get any sympathy from my landlord and I wasn't expecting any from my girlfriend since she was dealing with her own stresses. My mom called me with a small problem and I yelled at her saying it was nothing compared to mine. (don't worry I apologized the next day) What I wasn't expecting in this situation is what I got. Sexy listened to me and told me that this is really not that big compared to what could have happened or what has been happening in my life. Then she gave me a nice herbal cocktail. We decided to skip dancing and have sex instead! Definitely a good alternative! It is great to have a girlfriend who cares!

weekend and dancing

Spent the weekend with the girlfriend. It always amazes me how the weekend flies by. We slept, worked, read, cooked, danced, played games. It was good as usual. Monday is was back to finding a job. Still really torn about what I want to do but I feel a lot better now than I did a few weeks ago. I feel like I have some strong possibilities now and I know one thing for sure. I wouldn't go back and work my former employer even if they begged me to.

Monday night sexy and I went Contra dancing. I have went contra dancing once before last Christmas time. Since then I have been taking square dancing so I was hoping this time I would like contra dancing much more than I did before and I was right. I loved it! Everyone there was very nice. I had so much fun. I can't wait to go back again.

Crossword

Blog Crossword


Try your luck at my very own blog crossword. Just click on the link below and print out the crossword. I hope it works.

Quote of the Day!

To make a long story short Jr. had the day off from school and this afternoon we went to the park. While there Jr. decided to climb a tree. No problem, I climbed trees when I was his age. What I never guessed he would do was jump from this tree. (he doesn't like to jump off of things) He sort of landed on his feet but fell back very hard on his tailbone. OUCH!!! After a while sitting there and getting him to calm down we managed to get back home. So we got home, put ice on his tailbone(it was swelled up about the size of a baseball), took some motrin, called the doctor and he laid down. He wanted to talk to his dad and others (sympathy always makes you feel better) When talking to his grandma on the phone he got real serious and he said " I didn't know jumping from such a small tree could hurt so much!" What a great quote from a six year old with a very sore bottom!

Why wicca?

Thank you to all for your comments. Thank you Krista for your interest in my topic and your questions. I guess I should try to explain why I am thinking about wicca in my life.

I guess this last year has been full of discovery. I have come out as a lesbian and this and other things have opened my eyes to a lot of new things. Growing up in my small Iowa town Christianity was your only option. My family was not super religious but church and sunday school were things I remembered as a child. I guess in high school I got messed up in the wrong crowd and i remember being told that Jesus could help me out of that. I got myself out but went to youth group to learn more about this jesus dude. I guess I had an off again on again relationship with jesus during my teenage years (a lot like my relationship with my parents). Then at a really low point in my life, when I was scared and depressed a friend invited me to church and I embraced being a Christian. Throughout college and into my adult years I was a christian and adopted the views of the Christian pentecostal. For the last few years as I struggled with my marriage and my deep dark secrets about my sexuality I was starting to feel abondoned by God. I reached out more, got involved in a new church but when my marriage fell apart and I was questioning my sexuality my church turned on me. They pretty much kicked me out and told me I was going to hell. I still tried to reach out to God but I felt and continue to feel nothing back. I think I still believe in God or at least a higher power. I guess I want to. I want to believe that after my life here on earth I can go to someplace wonderful but then maybe it doesn't matter. My life has been full of hurt and death lately and although I don't like to admit it, I am depressed. And I think when I am depressed I want to turn to my faith. Have something to believe in that gives me hope. I don't have that anymore and I miss it. I want to have a spiritual side. Something that makes me feel good when nothing else does. So as I am researching different religions I take an interest in wicca. Maybe some of my interest comes from the fact that I think wicca just sounds cool. Like this prayer. It speaks to me.

Hear ye the words of the Star Goddess; she in the dust of whose feet are the hosts of heaven, and whose body encircles the universe:

"I who am the beauty of the green earth, and the white moon among the stars, and the mystery of the waters, call unto thy soul: Arise, and come unto me. For I am the soul of nature, who gives life to the universe. From Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return; and before My face, beloved of gods and of men, let thine innermost divine self be enfolded in the rapture of the infinite. Let My worship be within the heart that rejoices; for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. And therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And thou who thinkest to seek Me, know that thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, thou wilt never find it without. For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am that which is attained at the end of desire."

Like with any faith jouney it takes time and a lot of reflection. I am starting over again. Maybe wicca is for me, maybe it is not. Time will tell.

Anniversary Weekend

I feel so bad because it is almost the new weekend and I didn't even blog about my wonderful weekend I had last weekend. For all the details you can look at sexy's blog but here is a little bit about it. Last weekend was sexy's and mine 1 year anniversary. We had a great weekend. Friday night I cooked and we just relaxed. Saturday was full of the craft fair and concerts. Sunday was by far the best day I have had in a long time. I made crepes for breakfast and then sexy worked on bags. Then after that sexy took me to dinner at the green zebra. It was great. I was so tickled to be at such a fancy restaurant with my sexy girlfriend. The food was great and the conversation was great. After dinner we headed to go see Girlyman. For those of you who know me you know that I have become a crazy Girlyman fan. Almost as bad as being a crazy Indigo girls fan. So, I was very happy to be going to their concert. Schubas is such a great place to hear them to. You get to be close and the sound was great. They played a lot of songs and I loved them all. It was so nice to be standing there holding my girl and listening to great music. It all seems like a dream now but it is something I will never forget! Thanks sexy for a wonderful anniversary!

The Craft!!

Some of my readers out there are confused. My last few posts have been about wicca. Wicca is a form of a religion I guess you could say. Wicca has peaked my interest lately so I am learning more about it.

What is Wicca?

Wicca, sometimes called "The Craft" or "The Craft of the Wise" is one of many earth-based religions. The religion which is closest to Wicca in America is probably Native American spirituality. Traditional Wicca was founded by Gerald Gardner, a British civil servant, who wrote a series of books on the religion in the 1940's. It contains references to Celtic deities, symbols, seasonal days of celebration, etc. Added to this were components of ceremonial magic and practices of the Masonic Order. A more recent form is eclectic Wicca which involves a combination of Wiccan beliefs and practices, combined with other Pagan and non-Pagan elements. The various traditions of Wicca are part of the Pagan or Neopagan group of earth-based religions.

You can find out more about it by googling wicca or here is a website I have been looking at.

The Wiccan Rede

The Wiccan Rede and Threefold Law:

"Rede" is derived from an Old English word "roedan" which means to guide or direct. 1 One common version of the Rede is:

"An it harm none, do what thou wilt."

"An" and "wilt" are Old English words for "if" and "want to."

The Rede states that a Wiccan is free to do what ever they want to, as long as it does not harm themselves or anyone else. Harm is normally considered to include manipulation, domination, attempts to control, physically injure, emotionally harm, or hurt another person or group in any way.

The Threefold Law (a.k.a. the Law of Return) adds a reward for those who follow the Wiccan Rede, and a punishment for those who violate it. The law states that:

"All good that a person does to another returns three fold in this life; harm is also returned three fold."

Witch???

I have decided I am going to be a witch! Ok, so your laughing at me now. That is ok. As some of you know I have had a hard time this past year dealing with my beliefs. I was at one point in time a strong christian. I still label myself as a christian but something is different now. Granted i was hurt by my last church and those who claimed to be christians and my friends turned their back on me. A part of me doesn't want to be part of a religion that does that. One can say it was just the church I belonged to. There are plenty of churches that are ok with you being a lesbian. True there are but for some reason I just can't bring myself to walk in the doors of another church. The truth is I am unsure of an afterlife, but I want to enjoy my life. Christianity puts so many rules into ones life. I want to be free to do what is good for my life and others. I have really felt a strong pull to the earth lately. I believe in a higher power. I have felt sort of a pull to research wicca. So i have decided that next month I am going to go to a local wicca group and see what it is all about. So now we can add wicca to the list of topics to discuss.

1 year

Thought I would blog now since I will be pretty busy this weekend. I am spending the weekend with sexy. It is our 1 year anniversary. Wow, I can't believe it has been a year. I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful girlfriend! She is definitely a big joy in my life! Have a good weekend everyone. Love!

Yeah for Tea!!!

I have been sick with a cold this week and been feeling pretty horrible. I was really happy that last week when i went shopping I bought some tea. My tea which is Bigelow Vanilla Chai has brought me joy despite this horrible cold. Yeah for tea!

Joy!!! Take 2!

I have been talking about things that bring me joy lately. It is nice to talk about them because there are so many things that are not bringing me joy and sexy has been very good at reminding me that there are things to be happy about in my life. Yesterday I was talking about doing some cleaning around my apartment. I hate to clean but I also hate messes. When my ex moved out last year he left me with a huge mess. Over the past year I have improved my apartment significantly but there is still a lot of work to be done. Now that my living room, bedroom and bathroom or mostly cleaned and organized it is time to move on to other areas. There is the kitchen....wow, i have a lot of organizing to do there. Then the front room...time to get rid of the rats and haul all that junk out to the dumpster. And then of course Jr's room. Sexy and I were having a conversation about motivating Jr. the other day and she really had some great ideas. I'll get to those in a minute but 1 idea she shared with me a while back is to spend so many minutes a day cleaning and then the task doesn't seem so overwelming. So, Jr and I talked and I told him we were going to spend 30 minutes every night cleaning his room until it was all clean and organized. This is how yesterday after schoool went. Jr. came home and I let him play for 30 minutes. Then he did his homework. (sexy's idea) We then walked to the store and came home and cooked dinner. We ate at the table and talked about his day and what he did at school. We then put the food away and did the dishes. Then it was time to clean his room. I was expecting opposition but I didn't get it. I set my timer for 30 minutes and gave him specific tasks to do and it worked. He was amazed at how much we got done in 30 minutes. The whole evening worked well. He did not grumble about his homework or doing any work. Then after his room we relaxed by watching a movie and then it was bed time. I was so pleased with his good attitude and results. I really hope this continues to work.

JOY!!!

Lately I have been all about finding little things that bring me joy. I have been doing some cleaning and organizing around my house and this makes me happy. Here is something else that brought joy to my day today. It is the new Indiana Jones Movie! I knew one was being made but now it has a title; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This now has me very excited. It is not often that you look forward to a movie that won't be coming out for almost another year. I am such a huge Indiana Jones fan. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Yuck!

My throat hurts, my neck hurts. I am tired and I feel like shit!!! I am going back to bed!

weekend

Thank you Connie and sexy for your encouraging words. I know it has been tough being friends/girlfriend with me lately. I am really hoping for some good things to start happening.

This weekend Connie was in Chicago for a wedding. I picked her up from the airport and then drove her up north were the wedding was taken place. We had made plans to hang out late saturday night and sunday till her plane leaves. So, while she was doing wedding stuff on saturday I finished cleaning my mess I had made going through boxes. I am so pleased. I now have my bedroom, living room and bathroom organized. I only have 3 more rooms to go so i guess I am half way there. It has been a lot of work but I am so pleased and happy with the end result. After cleaning I headed to square dancing. Started back with my class which is learning plus. I already learned plus over the summer so I was mostly bored but it was nice to have adult conversation with people. Then headed to sexy's so she could do some sewing for me. Thanks baby! Dropped jr. off with the babysitter and went home to take out my trash and do my dishes and take a shower. Headed to pick sexy up......wow, was she looking sexy!!! Then picked up Connie and headed for Temptations. I had been there once but sexy and connie had never been. The dancing is ok but it definitely is a different atmosphere than lesbian clubs in the city. I don't mind it but sexy wasn't impressed. I like the less crowded relaxing atmosphere, she likes the crowds and busyness of city clubs so i guess we wont be going there again. We had a good time with Connie. I was pleased to see sexy and connie getting along so well. We ended up back at my place drinking and talking. It was a late night and 9am came very early. We got up and had brunch with friends who are leaving chicago for a while and then ended up at sexy's to play a game. After that Connie packed up her stuff, we had ice cream and headed for the airport. It was sad to see her go. It all happened so fast this weekend. It is hard living thousands of miles away from your best friend. I am so glad we got to see each other and hopefully it will happen again soon.

What a shitty day!!!

As if my life hasn't been shitty enough lately, today just took the cake! There was only one positive part to my day today and that was having lunch with Sexy but even that had its shitty moments. I am tired of rude people, exes, and people deciding my fucking life. Can't I get anyone, just one person to have some pity on me or give me a hug or something. NO! i just get shit and people telling me what i need to do different or where i need to go. Can't i fucking decide myself but then maybe I should let someone else decide my life because right now i feel like i have fucked it up enough!

Deb's Drama

The reason that I have not blogged in a while is due to all the drama happening in my life recently. After coming back from vacation I was hoping to find a job but that didn't happen. My sisters came to visit the last weekend in August and while they were here my grandmother passed away. So, Monday of last week my sisters, jr and I headed for Iowa where I spent most of this last week. I am really getting tired of funerals. This last weekend my parents moved and I was helping them with that. Now I am back in chicago.... Jobless, moneyless and grandparentless!!! Really sucks!!!

Rest of vacation!!!

I know it is weeks later and no one probably cares about the rest of my vacation but i will give a quick ending to it. Day 4 was our trip to Baltimore. Sexy and I went to visit my friend in Baltimore and also her friends. First we went to an interesting art museum, then walked along the inner harbor and enjoyed some ice cream. We then had dinner with my friend and dessert with her friends. It was a quick trip but we managed to fit all our baltimore friends in and it was lots of fun. We got back super late so Friday consisted of sleeping in and then wandering around Reading. We went to the market, a pretzel place, and of course the outlets. I have some nice new bras now!!! Friday night consisted of dinner and games. Nice and relaxing. Saturday morning we got up and headed to sexy's dads for breakfast and conversation. It was a good time and I learned how to play Hand and Foot. Saturday afternoon was the wedding. Sexy's cousin Sarah looked beautiful. The wedding was on the long side but it was very nice. That night was the reception where we ate, drank lots of beer and danced. I had a good time dancing and drinking and talking with sexy's relatives. Pics can be seen on Sexy's flickr site. Sunday we got up and headed for the farm where we spent the night and then returned home Monday evening. Overall it was a good trip and I was sorry it had to end. I enjoy vacations and i am so glad sexy and I vacation well together.

Vacation Day 3

It is now Day 3, Wednesday of my vacation. Sexy and I sleep in. I finally got some much needed sleep. After we got around and dressed I decided to fix breakfast. I made homemade blueberry pancakes and a fruit salad. It was beautiful and tasted good too. I used a made from scratch pancake recipe and then added fresh blueberries. YUMMY!!! After breakfast Sexy and I decided to help her mom out and do some vacuuming and cleaning up around the house. Her mom had been gone for about 2 weeks and the dog was shedding horribly. Definitely a good idea on our part. After that sexy and I lounged around and read our books till around 3:30p. At 3:30 her mom got home and we left to go sailing. After her step dad finally figured out how to connect the boat to the suv and get the lights working we headed for the lake. Once we got to the lake sexy and I just stood around while her mom and step dad unhooked on the wires and ropes. Then they called us up to help put the sails on. Then it was time to put the boat in the water. Once we got out on the lake it was nice and relaxing. We motored out to the middle of the lake and then put up the sails. Presto!!! We were sailing. Marty steared us for a bit and then Nancy took over and then she handed the reins over to me. I then continued to control the rudder for the rest of the evening. It was a great time. I have to say it is a bit difficult though. And frustrating a little when you can't find the wind. But in the end we made it around the island and had a good trip. Then came docking......All I have to say is watch out for those ropes along the side of the boat. they are small but they bruise like hell! After we got the boat out of the water we then had to tear everything down. I got a crash course in that too. Then it was off to dinner.....no not really. No taillights on the boat. Nancy, sexy and I got tired of waiting for marty to fix then so we decided to walk up this huge hill to the road. Not sure why but I just followed the gf and her mom. A little while later Marty finally stops and picks us up but still no lights. We ate at this grill and pub and it was very nice. Good food and good bear. Thanks for the dinner Nancy and a lovely time sailing!

Vacation Day 1 and 2

Day 1: driving across IN, OH, PA
As most of you know this summer has been long and hard and I was so excited to be leaving for vacation. My vacation was moved back a day but I got left and had a great time. I left Chicago about 2pm last monday and headed east. I was so excited to just be on the road and I was not trying to think about the 7 hours of driving a head of me. Well, that seven hours of driving turned into 9 as it took me twice as long to get across Indiana. I was stopped for an hour on the highway with my windows rolled down so I just decided to get my book out and read. I just relaxed knowing that sometime that night I would get to Sexy's grandparents and I would be able to see her. Remember it had been 10 day since I had seen her. Unfortunately, we had to pretend to be best friends and not lovers at her grandparents. After taking a few wrong turns in W. PA i finally arrived at her grandparents a little before midnight. I was so happy to finally get there. I was also very happy to find out the sexy and I were sharing a room. No friskyness but at least we got to kiss and cuddle. 10 days really is a long time!!!

Day 2: farm in w. PA-driving across PA
Got up, took showers, ate breakfast. Sexy's mom headed back to Reading but sexy and I decided to stick around on the farm to visit and go swimming. After sexy's mom left I got put to work cleaning the pool. I was glad to help out......and I sort of love being the "pool boy". Sexy went to visit her aunt and her grandmother took me for a ride on the golf cart and showed me all the farm land. It was neat and I felt honored to get the tour. I am so glad I get along well with her grandparents. I have really missed doing things with my grandparents since they have gotten to old to get around. Her grandmother and I then went and picked some sweet corn for lunch and then husked it all. Sexy and I then went and picked more sweet corn and had some kissing time in amongst the corn. We had lunch and then we went swimming. Her grandparents have a nice size, in the ground swimming pool. It was relaxing to swim. I was showing off my floating skills and Sexy and I were diving for pool coins. Had good conversation. It was a lot of fun. Sexy and I then changed and we headed out across the big state of PA toward Reading. We made a few stops along the way. One being at Sunset West. This is a little diner where her mom and grandmother would meet to exchange her and her sister when there were young. It is about half way between the farm and Reading. It was nice to be able to visit someplace that was important in sexy's childhood. It brought back good memories for her. She also told me all about her week at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival and I told her all about my week. We had lots of great talk and "fun" while driving across PA. We arrived at the mansion on the mountain pretty late. Enough time to carry our stuff in and play a game of cribbage. Then it was off to find our bed. Friskyness and sleep....just what I needed!!!

i'm Back!

I am back in the windy city. i had a good trip but sad to be back to my boring life. I could have used another week or two vacation. I had a great time with sexy and her family. I will tell you all about it soon but I need to get some bills paid first.

Leaving for vacation!

Thank you to everyone for your interest in my polyamory topic. This is still an on going topic so talk about it as much as you want. As my title said I am leaving. I was suppose to be leaving today for my trip to PA but it was delayed a day. I will be leaving hopefully in the morning and won't be back till the 20th. Don't know if I will have a chance to blog or not during my trip but I will try. I hope to have lots of polyamory or other related questions to answer when I return. Lots of love!!!

RE: Polyamory

Thank you so much for those of you who commented about Polyamory. I find it to be an interesting subject and I felt like talking about it some more. I agree with Yeni that society does put a lot of labels on people. I believe monagamy is one of those. As I was discussing this with Connie I was talking about how people love more than one person all the time. Yes, it is a different kind of love but it is love. I love my son, I love my family, I love my best friend. I love sexy. All people I love. So, if I love all these people why couldn't I romantically love more than one person. I feel I have a lot of love to give! Just think about it. If you are saying no, it is not possible. I can't love more than one person at a time. Why? There is something or someone that has told you that it is not possible, but there are people who are doing it so it IS possible. I don't think we should tell ourselves it is not possible if we have never experienced it. Can you honestly say you don't like something if you have never even tried it? Don't get me wrong, i am not saying we should all be in polyamory relationships. I am saying that we should not be closed minded about other possibilities. Am I out there looking for another girlfriend right now. No, but if it ever happened I believe I would be a little more open to it now.

Yeni, had an interesting question I would like to comment on. Here it is...Now the question I have is does being polyamorous mean that one person is loved by the other two, or do all three love each other the same? Well, in my research I have found both cases can be true. Sometimes it can be three or more people who all love each other. This is not the case most of the time. Usually there is a main couple and then either 1 or both of them have a lover too. As both Caitlin and Yeni said it has to be agreed to by everyone involved. Communication is definitely the key. If all parties don't agree then it will not work. I love this subject so please comment more. Ask me any questions and I will try to answer them the best I can. Love!

My crazy weekend in Iowa!

Shit! Has it really been that long since i blogged last. Damn, time has been flying by. I have a lot to talk about so here goes. So, last week I was trying to spend as much time with sexy as possible knowing I wasn't going to see her for 10 days and not talk to her for 7 of those days. She is currently at the Michigan Women's music festival. I am sure she is having a great time but I really wish I was with her. I miss her but I do have tons to do in the next few days.

So, last Friday I headed to Iowa. I went to visit my grandmother who has been very ill. They think she might pull through now but she won't be the same. It was so hard seeing her so weak and sick. Friday night I then went to see my cousin race at the Marshalltown Speedway. He races in the modifides. It was fun. He got first in his heat and 7th overall.

Saturday was the big 135th anniversary of my home town. All of my sisters were in town so all my family was together. It is always nice to have everyone around. Too bad the weather didn't cooperate. Right when the parade was about to start it started to downpour. It lightened up a little during the parade but everyone got soaked. The parade wasn't anything spectacular so the rain actually livened it up. The kids got lots of candy. We all then went back to my parents and changed into dry clothes waited for the rain to stop.....and it did...then we went to the other festivities going on. Jr. participated in a kids tractor pull. He liked it but was a little upset he didn't win. We then watched the water fights in the afternoon. A tradition in Iowa I guess to have opposing fire departements see who can use a hose and point it the best. I used to love them as a child but now I am not so sure. Fun to watch but I couldn't help but realize how much water was being wasted on the sport that most would probably find stupid. We then had a big bbq at my parents house and a birthday party for my sister's roomates' child. It was fun.

Sunday started with church in the park and then a potluck afterward. It was nice to see people I hadn't seen in a while this weekend. The potluck was nice and I had a good talk with my hometown pastor. We talked about me faith journey which I will save for another blog. It was a nice talk. Sunday afternoon I started to clean my parents pool which turned out to be a much harder job than I had first thought. But I got it cleaned and filled and my mom thinks it looks better than when they first put it up. Thank goodness!

Monday, my dad, jr and I headed to get my car fixed. I am trying to make sure everything is working well for when I head to Pennsylvania next week. My dad then treated us to lunch. i then went back to my parents, packed up my stuff and headed for Iowa. It was an interesting drive. At about DeKalb it just started to downpour and it was really hard to see anything and it kept up for over an hour. I guess that stormed dumped about 4in of rain. I can believe it! Got back to the city and was torn whether to go to square dancing or not. I decided to go and I am so glad I did. Michael the caller found out i was learning plus so even during the mainstream tips he called plus calls. it was fun and good practice. He also did a hexagon square. I always love learning new things. We also did a 9 person square. Michael asked me to be the 9th person. It was fun. I put my arms around peter and i became the left half of a person and he was the right half. Babs was our parner and we just had a great time with it. It was nice to see Michael so enthusiastic and teaching everyone new things. It was a good time. Afterward, I went to Sexy's to check up on things. She left lots of wonderful notes for me and a couple of cds. Gave Mitzi some fresh water and a bit more food. Read up on her worms. She has a bad mite problem and I hope to take care of it this week. Came home and went to bed. Now it is Tuesday and I have to much to do to spend anymore time blogging.

Polyamory!

I was trying to take a nap because I didn't sleep well last night but that didn't happen. I was just way to HORNY! So, I was laying there in my bed and started to think about Polyamory. A word that was not even really that familiar to me till recently. The other day I decided to do some research on Polyamory. For those of you who don't know what it is here is the definition. Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. As you can see from the definition this is a loving intimate relationship. It is not just about sex. Just having sex with others is more of the swinging lifestyle, defined as (Swinging, sometimes referred to as the swinging lifestyle, is "non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity, that can be experienced as a couple." Don't get them confused because they are very different. My kind, loving, monogamous self finds this topic very interesting. I started reading articles, blogs, etc to find out more about polyamory. You may be asking yourself why polyamory. Well, it all has to do with a dream I had earlier this week. A dream in which I was in love with and living with two women at the same time. Is it possible I asked myself??? I seemed pretty happy in my dream...actually very happy!!! In all my research I have realized that it is more popular than one would think. So this makes me think about monogamy. Is monogamy the only way? Why is it most people think that? Is it the way we are brought up? Is it put on us by religion? Maybe it is society? Is one person really capable of loving more than one person at a time? Funny how this subject sort of came up with some friends last night as we were driving back from the suburbs. My friend was talking about this gay couple that he knew and then he said that it seemed like one of them also had a boyfriend on the side. And I said something about maybe they were poly (meaning in a polyamory relationship) Not sure if my friend understood but it seemed like the consenses in the back seat was that it was just not natural. Why is it not natural? Who is the one that decided monogamy is natural? I think this is a great subject and I would like your feedback. Tell me what you think!!!

Horoscopes

I am not a big believer in horoscopes but I do look at them from time to time and I do think it is interesting when they are true. So here are my horoscopes for yesterday, today and then tomorrow.

Yesterday....
Look at your life and your primary relationships in order to take an inventory of what is working for you and what is not. Then, try to create a plan for the months ahead so that you can begin to reach your new goals. Even if it seems as if you have more than enough time, it's crucial to start the process now.
(this is definitely something I have been doing lately)

Today....
Pay attention to everything that is happening now, for you may be holding on to old habits that are getting in your way. Frustration is amplified if you are unwilling to change. Today, answers won't come from reading the manual or acquiring better data. You must trust your instincts, even if you are reluctant to believe your irrational feelings.
(isn't this the truth today. If only there was a manual for interpretting my feelings today. Am I holding on to old habits....i guess I should just trust my instincts)

Tomorrow....
You might have an unrealistically positive attitude today, but an unexpected outburst of emotional energy can leave you wondering what happened. You are able to transform an impossible situation into something that has great potential, but you must not attach your happiness to any one specific outcome. If you can accomplish this now, then you may be unstoppable. (well, this at least gives me hope that tomorrow will be a better day!)

Thank God For Chocolate!!!

This is one of those days that I am so glad that there is such things as chocolate and ice cream! When you just feel like shit and nothing is right in the world, chocolate makes things just a bit better. It helps you to feel that just maybe, maybe, you can get past all the shit and be ok. Maybe!

I really shouldn't be surprised. I have definitely learned in my life that when things are going well, shit will happen. It is like I am not fucking allowed to be happy for an extended length of time. For the most part I think I have spent most of my life not happy but I just put on a smile and deal with it. Well, I am fucking tired of that! One thing I have decided in the past month is that I need to be true to myself. I need to put myself first and damn everyone else. Damn, where did that come from. Anyway to the issue at hand. So, things have been going better lately. Still looking for a job but i have hope and other things in my life seem to be falling into place. Oh, how easily just a few words can change all that. I was so having the perfect day. Great sex, good sleep, waking up next to the woman i love, sharing a shower and recieving gifts of love.....................i should have known SHIT was about to happen!!! Then the question was asked. A question that has now consumed my whole day and i can't think of anything else. Why? I have a tough decision to make about this question asked of me and I can't help thinking that no matter what I decide it is a no win for me. I fucking hate NO WIN situations!!!

What's been happening!

When I last left off Sexy was making her decision on whether she wanted to be with me or not. She asked me to come over Monday night and I was already for her to break it off. I was pleasantly surprised when she said she wanted to give us another try. I am not sure if I deserve it or not but I am very happy that she loves me enough to try. We talked about a lot of things and issues. I was very pleased by our conversation. Definitely a good restart to things. I then spent the night Monday and Tuesday we spent most of the day together. Sexy was home getting ready to leave for her trip to San Francisco. Tuesday night we went out for drinks for her bosses birthday. I had a good time socializing with her friends. I love socializing with adults and i don't get to do enough of it. Wednesday I took sexy to work and said goodbye and then I went home and got out my finance book and got caught up on that. I then went to the suburbs last night for a square dance lesson. The partner of one of the girls in my class asked me last month if I was willing to learn plus with her over the summer. I said yes and last night we met at a house in the suburbs and I learned 10 new plus calls. It was a bit overwhelming but also fun. Hopefully I will remember them all next week because I will have to learn 10 more then. Last night I was up late watching a movie and waiting to hear that sexy arrived in SF ok. I got up late today and didn't get much done. Met with my Lawyer this evening. All is good there and hopefully the divorce with be finalized in the next couple of weeks. I am now over at sexy's checking my email and stuff. I came over to water her plants and take care of Mitzi. All is well here! Hopefully I will get my computer back this weekend! Till then.......

Church and the future...

Doing much better today. Yesterday I went to Des Moines to see my older sister. We then went to the horse races. We had a good time and I came out pretty good in the end. Won $26 on a $2 bet on one race. It was fun. Got home late. I was up again till 2am but I fell right asleep last night.

This morning I got up early to go to church. On my way to Iowa the other day I decided I was going to go to church. I had been listening to some of my Christian cds and they helped me to feel better and really spoke to me. I have been realizing that I stopped going to church because of what happened to me with my old church. I am definitely not going to let those hypocrites keep me from my faith anymore. I guess I have been questioning a lot of things about Christianity but I guess deep down I still believe in God and I know he didn't stop loving me just because I love women now. After church today we went and had breakfast and then I came back to mow my parents lawn. I really like mowing the lawn. It was a nice day today. I did some great thinking while I was mowing. I have been thinking a lot about what I want lately. I try to block out who I am with and just think about what I want in the future. I realized that I want the house, the kids, the yard to mow. I want to cook and barbeque. I want to fix things and work on home projects. I don't know the woman I will be doing all of this with but thinking about this makes me happy. Someday I hope it comes true.

Another bad night!

Last night I think I even got less sleep than I did the night before when I had my kidney stone. I am still feeling a bit ill from the kidney stone. Last night was simply too much on my mind. I had myself all worried about having another kidney stone and then I kept thinking about how Caitlin is currently deciding if we are going to be together or not. I then read her blog and it didn't make me feel any better. I hate that I have put her in this situation. I want to just talk about this and us both to decide what is best but I guess it has to be this way. I love her so much and I hoped that we could work through this. I really am having my doubts right now. She says she is torn 50/50. Not very good odds for me.

On a brighter note my dad is out of the hospital and doing better. And finally, I have finished my rainbow bag I had started a long time ago. I have been needing to sew the handles on for over 2 months now. Now it is done and I just have to figure out how to put lining in it. YEAH!!! Going to Des Moines now to see my sister. Trying to do things to keep my mind off of my relationship.

LOVE!!!

Kidney Stone!

Before last night I could say that it had been 5 years since I had a kidney stone. Not anymore! I was very rudely woken up at 2:30 last night by one of the darn things. For anyone who has ever had a kidney stone you know they can be very painful. I have a very high pain tolerance but as I was laying there last night all i could think about was how hard it was going to be to drive myself to the hospital with these 2 little kids at 3:00 in the morning in as much pain as I was in. I have passed about 7 kidney stones in my life and last night now makes 8. I usually tough it out for as long as I can and then go to the hospital. Last night I just toughed it out and thankfully it was a small one and it passed within a couple of hours. It is not just the pain. With it comes extreme nausea and a horrible urge to urinate. Overall, a very uncomfortable experience. It is funny how this came just a week after I was thinking about my last kidney stone attack. Fourth of July 2002 was a rough one. I passed 5 stones in two days. I will never forget that. I am just hoping that last night is it. Unfortunately, if history repeats itself there are more and probably soon. My kidney stones tend to travel in packs!!!

IOWA

Thought I would blog now since i will be heading to Iowa in the morning. My dad has been in the hospital and since I have Jr. this weekend I thought Iowa would be a good place to go. It is always nice to see my family. Right now sexy and I are at a weird place so it also seems like a good time to take a break from my crazy life in Chicago. Sexy and I talked on AIM last night and she is still really angry at me....which I understand. HELL i am angry at myself so I can only imagine how angry she is at me. I am realizing now how much she tried to help me this last year and I didn't listen. Do i ever regret that now! I made the stupidest mistake of my life! I guess it took something this awful for me to wake up and realize i need to make some serious changes. I think many positives will come out of this situation and are already coming out of it. Unfortunately, it may cost me Sexy. Right now she is trying to figure out if she wants to be with me or not. Things have definitely been better and we have been spending more time together but she still has serious doubts. So, right now I am in a waiting game. Waiting to see if she is willing to give us another shot or if it is over with us.

I'm Back!!!

I finally got my DSL all hooked up and working. My phone line was turned on today and it only took me a few hours to get everything hooked up. It has been about a week since I blogged last so I will just hit the highlights in my life.

Saturday, Sexy, her dad and I all went to a party in honor of her friend who just got married. We weren't there that long and then we took her dad to his motel near midway. He had a very early flight. Sexy and I then headed back to her place. Sunday sexy and I braved the heat and went to the Brandi Carlile concert at the Taste. It was HOT!!! At least we wore sunblock! After the concert we went and found some shade and then decided on what food we wanted to treat ourselves to at the Taste. We had Mango cumin-dusted fries with tamarind chutney, a vegetable somosa, hummus shirazi, and finally we had strawberry and lemon italian ice. I think we got a lot of variety for our 16 tickets, and the food was all good. By this time we were hot and getting tired but we decided to head to Millinium Park and walk through the water. We got a little bit wet and it was nice and cool for the ride home on the train.

Monday night was a square dance. I was so glad when I got there and found out it was going to be in the basement where it is air conditioned. It still got plenty warm in there with about 30 people dancing. I had a good time and then headed over to sexy's. I had some ice cream then it was off to bed because we had to be in Hyde Park by 9 am on Tuesday.

After sexy's dentist appointment we went to the health food store in Hyde Park and then we went to visit one on sexy's friends in Hyde Park. I had a good time listening to her and her friend talk about books and other things. We then walked to the record store. Sexy got some good deals on a couple of records and I got hit on! We then headed to Chinatown for tofu and lunch. Lunch was great. I had pineapple chicken with shrimp fried rice and it came in a cut out pineapple. Pretty cool! We both had Tapioca smoothies. Different but very good! I am definitely going to have to go to Chinatown again soon. It was almost like taking a vacation right in chicago!

Independence Day!!!

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!

This 4th of July was full of firsts for me. Yesterday i had a job interview downtown and afterward I decided to go to Grant Park and hang out. So, I pulled out my blanket and spent the next 8 hours there. I read 1 1/2 books, got to enjoy some of the Taste, took a nap and of course saw the fireworks. There were thousands of people around. It was pretty crazy. Thanks to Caitlin for stopping by and keeping me company for a while. I ended up getting home at about 12:30 last night after I fought the crowd and then rode my bike home in the rain.

Today I slept in. Lounged around the house, watched some flicks on my computer and decided I should probably get out and do something instead of mope around the house all day.....and I am so glad I did!!! I decided to treat myself to a movie. This was the first time I ever went to a movie by myself. I went to see Knocked Up. It was hilarious!!! I am so glad I picked that one to go to. There are so many movies I want to see that are out now. I will definitely have to treat myself to a movie again soon. After the movie I went to the parking garage, 3rd floor, to get my car and I looked out at the city and you could see fireworks everywhere. I spent the next 20mins or so just watching them. It was amazing and beautiful. I was even more glad at this point that I decided to get out!

Things I have learned!!!

Things I have learned in the past two weeks!!!

1. Do not keep things from the one's you love.
2. Sometimes you have to humble yourself and admit you don't know everything.
3. Sometimes you have to ask for help.
4. Sometimes giving too much of yourself is not healthy.
5. First steps in how to handle money.
6. Do things that are important to you so you don't have regrets later.
7. The importance of being a proud gay woman.
8. That I am a wonderful person.....and quite sexy too!!!
9. The Indigo Girls ROCK!!!
10. Always and I mean ALWAYS.......WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!!!!!!!!

Bike Riding and the EX!!!

My internet hasn't been shut off yet so I thought I would blog. I would have to say that yesterday was a nice day. Jr, sexy and I went for a bike ride along the lake front. It was beautiful out. It seemed like fun was had by all. Even by Jr. who wrecked his bike but with some convincing got back on to finish the ride. After the ride we went to the beach where the 3 of us dipped our feet into the lake. Jr. was more daring and got in up to his waist. Sexy, left and Jr. and I rode our bikes back to the car then headed home to grab all of his things he is taking to his dad's. We fought traffic and met up with his dad. I have to say my ex has really come around lately. We have been talking a lot more and it seems we have become friends. He isn't up to his tricks. Of course, time will tell. Sometimes I can be a bit too trusting. He is proving himself though. He stopped fighting me on the divorce and custody. He is paying childsupport and has a plan to pay debts off to me. Something else.....he was really there for me when my grandfather died. I was so upset and was finding it hard to talk about. It was hard to talk to the people closest to me for many reasons. But he made the time to make sure I was ok. That really meant a lot to me. We always did make better friends so I hope that will be the case.
Last night I spent the night at sexy's. Not sure where we stand right now and we definitely have a lot to talk about but I am enjoying spending time with her.

Bye, bye internet!

I am getting my internet cut off today so it may be a little while before I blog again. I had a good day with Jr. We got up early and biked to Grand ave. where we caught the bus to Navy Pier. We then spent the morning and some of the afternoon at the Children's museum. I enjoyed watching Jr. play. I have to say the best was when we made our little miniature house in the building area. I love to build things! Jr. said it was his favorite part too. I am so glad he had such a good time. We then ate lunch and then loaded our bikes on the Chicago bus and headed back to the West side. We then rode our bikes back home from Chicago Ave. I have really enjoyed bike riding and it has been extra special the last couple of days to ride bikes with me son. Tomorrow we are meeting Caitlin and going on a bike ride with her. Jr has really been wanting to see her and he asked last night when we were riding around Humboldt park if Caitlin had a bike. I told him yes and he then decided we all had to go on a ride together. It should be fun. Jr and I went to my square dancing class. Everyone enjoyed meeting him and he was so well behaved. We then came back home and did some light cleaning and then we started to watch a movie together. He fell asleep so now I am just messing around on the internet. Hope to write soon.

Random thoughts!

I just got back from picking up my son. I have missed him a lot. Only have him for the weekend and then he is off to his dads for a month. We have a lot planned. We are going to eat dinner and then go for a bike ride. Tomorrow is packed with the Children's museum and then square dancing and then dinner. Sunday maybe the Taste but Jr. really wants to ride bikes with Caitlin. Don't know how she will feel about that. ??? Did a lot of thinking as I traveled today. Hours in my car jamming to the Indigo girls and thinking about life. I guess I am really questioning things in my life. My career, my relationship, where i live.

My career! As i am spending a lot of time looking for jobs , I am realizing that there are more things I would like to do in life then just teach. But right now that is what I know to do. I think I will give myself 1 or maybe 2 more years and then see if I am ready to do something different. I have dreams....now I just have to line everything up so they can come true.

My relationship! I guess maybe it took something big in my relationship (my fault big)to realize that it wasn't as strong as I thought. I think that maybe sometimes when you love someone you can become reckless. (but sometimes that is love) I fell for sexy hard and wanted to love her the best I could and with all I could. In the end, if it is not returned there is not much that can be done about it. As much as I love her and want to be with her I can't if she doesn't want to be with me. ( I am sure i will write more on this later)

Where I live! Why is it everyone thinks I should move??? My parents want me back in Iowa, my ex wants me to move to Champaign, friends want me to live closer. What do I want? That is a good question! Well, knowing me I am tough and stubborn and have a tendency not to listen to others so I will probably stay right here!!!

Accomplished

I am starting to finally feel I am gettting a little accomplished in my life. Today I got up called 21 schools, faxed out 9 resumes and have 4 more to mail out and 2 to take to schools next week. I set up an interview for a parttime job for the summer. I went over to sexy's tonight. She is helping me to get my finances in order. It was a big help and I am so happy to start using my new system. It was very nice seeing her. I have missed her a lot. I am not quite sure where we stand right now but as she said tonight, in time our relationship will be defined. I have to keep going forward. I am going to pick up Jr. tomorrow. I only have him for this weekend and then he is going to his dads for a month. I have lots of jr and mommy time planned for the weekend.

Watershed!!!

As I was up late last night listening to some music. I decided to look up some of the lyrics to some of the songs I was listening too. I listened to Watershed by the Indigo girls and it really touched me. I guess for me the last week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I love when a song can say how I am feeling. I think this is why I like the Indigo girls so much. They write their own songs and most of them have meaning behind them. So check it out! Watershed

I guess I have realized a lot of things in my life that I need to do differently. "the ghost of someone's tragedy, how recklessly my time has been spent" "they say it's never to late but you don't, you don't get any younger" "i better learn how to starve the emptiness and feed the hunger." This helps me to realize that I am such a passionate person and I have so much to do in my life. I don't want to "go full circle round catch a breeze take a spin but end up where I started again''

Time for a change!!!

Indigo Girls!!!

I have become the biggest Indigo Girls fan!!! I was so glad that sexy said she still wanted me to go to the concert with her. I was really sad about missing them. I was really nervous about it though. It is still so new and emotional with us. And confusing! I just decided to act natural and let her take the lead. So, sexy and I went to Rivinia last night to see the Indigo Girls. We had lawn tickets. I packed a picnic full of fruit, vegies, cheese, crackers, chocolate and many other things. Brought along some fruity malt beverages to go with our meal. We got there just minutes before Brandi Carlisle was set to go on stage but we were able to find a small little area under a tree just behind the main stage. It really was the perfect spot! I liked Brandi Carlisle a lot. The Indigo Girls were great. It was so great to hear Amy and Emily live and to be that close......like I said I have become a huge fan! I stayed on the blanket for a few songs and then decided to walk to the end of the main pavilion. Sexy joined me. We stood there, me holding her, and singing to the Indigo Girls. It was nice. A few songs I got pretty emotional. Just thinking about everything that has happened in the past week. Standing there with my arms around the girl that I love, not really knowing what she is thinking about and how she feels about me. Then this nice couple give us their tickets and we go inside to watch some of the show. We were part of the crowd that stood on their feet as Amy and Emily sang Closer to Fine. It was awesome. For the encore performance we were back out on our blanket, lying there under the stars. When the concert was over it was a mad dash to get inline for the train back. It was a bit scary at times as people were pushing. People tend to loose their minds in crowds. It is so stupid. Thank goodness everyone seemed to get on the train safely. The train ride back sexy finished her book and I reflected back on the evening. We got back to sexy's, put aloe on and got ready for bed. I don't think either one of us slept well. Our sunburns from Pride were really hurting. I can't wait to see the Indigo Girls again!!!

Pride

Sunday was the pride parade. Sexy and I talked for a long time Saturday night. Although a lot was talked about i am still very confused. I guess it comes down to she still wants to see me and hang out and do all the "good things" we did in our relationship but can't think about a future together at this time. This totally confuses me! I guess to me i want her in my life so i will try to do what she wants. We decided to watch the pride parade seperately. She was hanging out with some of her friends and i was going to watch my first pride parade with some of my gay square dancing friends. Sunday, i got up early, fixed my bike and then trecked the several miles to the parade. My friends called and said they were running really late. I was so bored at the beginning of the parade. Then i ran into another square dancing friend. He is so nice and decided to hang out with me and keep me company. By the time my friends got there toward the end of the parade i had had a great time dancing, jumping and being whipped! We then decided to go to Andies for dinner. Caitlin's friends bailed on her so she asked if she could join us. My friends said it was ok with them but i was trying not to make it awkward for anyone because lord knows it was awkward enough for me. On the way there my bike tire explodes.....not a fun time. By the time I get to Andies i feel like i am about to pass out and my sunburn is starting to hurt badly! Yeah, dummy me....no sunblock! After dinner i take my bike and lock it up outside a bike shop and Sexy invites me to her place. She puts aloe on my sunburn and then we start making out which leads to sex. Good sex! I left her place in a good mood thinking this might be ok. If i can still see her and have great sex, maybe I won't have to focus on the future right now. I have plenty to work on in my own life. Overall, my first pride was good. Happy Pride everyone!!!

break up

Right now i am suppose to be marching in the dyke march but instead i am blogging. why? because i am stupid. Just when i start to think i can get through the fact that sexy broke up with me, i realize i can't.

What happened was she trusted me with something and i abused that. why did I do it? i don't know. I was weak and i should have never let her trust me with it. I was afraid it would get out of control. god i wish i could rewind time. So things were great with us.....really great. During the movie it was hard. she was busy and tired, i lost my grandfather but we were doing ok. That changed in an instant when she found out what i had done! i was devasted and felt awful and still do. i wanted to tell her, i didn't want her to find out like this. For her she lost her trust in me and i think she questions who i am and questions everything i ever did for her. WOW! i love her so much and i did all the things i ever did for her out of love. but this one big thing ruined all of that and i guess to her made it all meaningless. This of course makes me feel worse than i ever thought i could. so she dumped me. this was just to big for her. i guess i thought she would need some time but we would still see each other and try to rebuild our relationship but obviously she doesn't want that. i shouldn't be surprised, we are practically opposites. i should know the way i react would be totally different than her. so somehow i have to move on and try to have a future with out the one person i wanted to have a future with. My sister told me breakups just mean you weren't meant to be together. but i thought we were. we had a very carnival sort of love, we were so different but god was it great. i wanted to have a future with her! Somehow i will manage to pick up the pieces and move on. someday, somehow!

drunk

yes, it is after 4. I am fucking drunk. Maybe i will keep blogging after all. thank you michelle and dave for taking me out tonight. I think i am going to go pass out now.

bye

can't do this anymore. life is too hard right now.

I'm Off!

I wanted to blog real fast before I left this morning to tell you all I am ok. Well, maybe not exactly ok but at least I have goals and plans right now. I hurt sexy very badly and she wants space. I don't know exactly what that means for us but I love her and I will give herwhat she needs. Meanwhile I got to get my life in order. So, one of my goals is to get a job. Well, I have one today. I am driving someone to Kentucky today. His car, his gas, i just get paid to drive. Driving I can do. I am going on 3 hours sleep. It is going to be a long day!!!

My Fucking Life!!!

So, everyone wants a blog...well here is a blog for you!!! I am a FUCKING Idiot!!! Why haven't I been blogging? Because my life is fucking falling apart and I just keep adding to the downward spiral. I lost my job, my grandfather and now I am about to loose my girlfriend. I don't understand it all. This has by far been the most stressful and hardest year of my life. I just wish it would end. I can't take it anymore. I'm defeated! Am I to blame for all of this? Well, with sexy yes. She trusted me and I fucked that up. She has been the ONE good thing in my life this year....how could I do this to her? I love her more than I have ever loved anyone before. I am smart so how could I do something so dumb. I am so emotional now and full of anger I just don't know what to do!!!

I'm here!!!

Ok Connie here is your post! I have been super busy and have been out of town. School is done and I will try and make time to blog now. I have a list of things to do before I pick up Sexy this afternoon so I got to run. More to come..........................

Crazy!!!

I feel like I am going crazy these days. Right now I am sitting at home and I have tons to do but am feeling unmotivated to do any of it. Sexy started shooting for the movie she is working on today. It has been so nice to spend some time with her this week. I know for the next couple of weeks it is going to be just seeing her for a few minutes as she crawls into my bed. She might be staying with me when she is filming close. I will definitely take the minutes i get. I am so happy for her. This is a good opportunity for her and I am more than happy make the sacrifice. I am also watching her cat while she is filming. Yes, Mitzi came to stay with me last night. Right now she is under my bed. I can't seem to get her to come out. I hope when she has to crap of something she will at least come out and find her litter box. I know she is a bid scared and I want to hold her and pet her but she seems to just want to hide. I bet when Jr. comes home later he will get her out. She loves to play with him. So the next few weeks are going to be super busy for me. Next Friday is my son's kindergarten graduation and my family is coming from Iowa. They are going to be her for 3 days. We are going to have a bbq at my home to celebrate....jr's idea! He wanted to have a party! So, I will be busy with that this week. Work is also winding down. Only 2 more weeks left!! BUSY, BUSY, CRAZY, CRAZY!!!

Sexy women!!!

I had a few minutes so I decided to write a few lines. Life has been crazy as always. Summer is getting close. I am loving the weather!!! Trying to think what is new in my life. Not much. I am still job hunting. Got my first rejection call but hey i guess it is to be expected sometimes. I know the right job will come around.
Busy cleaning tonight. A new neighbor moved in upstairs a month or so ago. I have been meaning to have her over for dinner and tomorrow it is finally going to happen. She is a very nice young woman. (kind of cute too) I think Jr. has a crush on her already. Sorry Connie! He had to move on someday. I mean you do live thousands of miles away! It is funny how my six year old seems to have the same taste in woman as I do. This delivery girl came to the door tonight. After she left, my son said she was very nice and said she was cute. Exactly what I was thinking. This isn't the first time this has happened. Funny!!! He is going to grow up having the same taste in women as I do! There are a lot of sexy women out there but i found the sexiest so he is just going to have to settle for second best!

Graduation!!!

To tell you the truth, i don't even remember when i posted last. Life has been crazy busy. It is all about balance....and unfortunately i am not doing a good job at that. I think I have time to get everything done that I need to but it never happens. Honestly, I have gotten a lot done lately. I am on my way to finding a new job. It is very frustrating but I am being proactive about it. The school year is coming to a close. Just 4 more weeks. Thank you!!!

The weekend was crazy. I had a busy weekend. Friday I took the day off from work and went on my son's class trip. It was mostly boring but I was glad I was not at work. And it was nice to actually spend the day with him....i really enjoyed that. After that I had a interview for a summer job. Sexy, Jr. and I then went to go see Shrek 3. It was a good movie! I enjoyed it a lot! Plus it was nice to get out and do something! Saturday I had a job fair all morning and into the afternoon.....talk about crazy. I then went and picked sexy up and we headed to our square dancing graduation. YES, I said GRADUATION! We had dinner in the afternoon and then had to sit through a boring meeting and then graduation and then dancing. For the most part it was a good time. Sexy, and I even skipped out on some of it and went shopping at the Brown Elephant. I got a cool frog tie and she got a nice green chair. Check out sexy's flickr site for the pics. Sexy and I then went to our Algerian crepery to have a sweet crepe with ice cream. Definitely a great choice after such a long and hot day. Today was full of doing things around sexy's apt. We went to the store to get her heavy items...you know....since I have a car. We re-arranged most of her furniture. It looks really nice. Had serious talk. All those fun things to do on a sunday evening. I then headed out to pick up Jr. Now I am home and so ready to go to bed.

Tell me what you think!

Tell me what you think about me! Click on the Johari Link. You then pick 5 or 6 words that you think describes me. It only takes a few seconds.

Where HAVE I been???

I know, it has been a long time. Things have been crazy busy in my life. I know I can't possible catch you all up on everything that has happened lately. So, I will just hit the highlights.

I had my first square dance a couple of weeks ago. It was a good time! I really do enjoy square dancing. Thanks sexy for convincing me to go! And next weekend I actually graduate from my first level. It is sort of exciting.

Last weekend I actually ran to Iowa for the weekend. My grandfather is really ill and is not expected to make it much longer. I wanted to make sure I saw him one last time.

While back in Iowa I also went to the Dutch festival. I have not went in years. It was a good time and I got to spend some quality time with my family and do something fun I use to do when I was a kid. I loved talking to Jr. about how I use to actually march in the parade every year. I even pointed out the tuba's and baritones in the bands and told him that is what I use to play. He was amazed. It was definitely a moment....

Life is super busy! Posts may be a few days apart for the next few months. But don't worry I won't forget about you all.

Let's have some fun!!!

Directions:
Leave your name in my blog comments. Once you do that, this is what I'll do for you.......

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. If you do this you MUST post this on yours....it is written!

SO BUSY!!!

Things have been so crazy busy in my life lately. I have a lot going on. I promise sometime soon I will get back to all of you!!!

Green Festival!

I know it has been a while since i blogged so I have a lot to catch up on. Things in my personal life have been crazy lately but I dont want to talk about that. Lets talk about last weekend.
Sexy and I headed to the Green Festival on Saturday and McCormick place. It was a good time. We got to listen to mayor daley and we got some free samples of some good stuff. I am so happy about all of the products that are available to help the environment. I have been trying to do things to help the earth in my own life. I have been recycling now for the past 2 months. I also buy recycled tissue and paper towels now. I am starting to try more organic products. I am so happy that my Jewel I go to now has a whole aisle dedicated to organic food and other organic products. When we were at the GF Sexy asked me if my car used the ethanol fuel. I remembered that is does. So, when I had to travel down to Kankakee on Monday I remember a gas station that had the E85 fuel. So, i filled up with it. So far so good. My car is running the same. Unfortuanately there is only 2 places in Chicago that offer the fuel. My question for Mayor Daley is why? He stated he would like chicago to be the #1 green city in the world. Well, where is my E85 fuel then? It is so much better for the atmosphere.

New Layout and Earth Month!

I hope you all like the new layout. I finally have added the word of the day off to the side. Here is all of them so far. Look for new words to be added everyday. (i hope). I also made some changes to my profile. Check it all out!

Also, don't forget to celebrate Earth Month...April 17th-May 20th. Everyone can make a difference. I encourage everyone to recycle and conserve!

Top 10 Movies!!!

Here's the rules. You go to imdb, type in your top ten favorite movies, post 5 plot keywords and year, then make your readers guess what movies they are. So, now it's your turn!!! Can you guess my favorite movies???



1. wedding/coming out/florist/London England/fireworks. 2006

2. science/cow/gasoline truck/weather/wind. 1996

3. independent film/painting/sexual awakening/personal add/lesbian kiss. 2001

4. hot spring/female mayor/helicopter/scientist/collapsing mine. 1997

5. self discovery/cafe/friendship/ku klux klan/train. 1991

6. female spy/college life/lesbian interest/female agent/bank robbery. 2004

7. bible/falsley convicted/corruption/hollowed out book/ embezzlement. 1994

8. florida/CIA agent/sex therapist/trust/truth serum. 2004

9. dancing/baklava/bundt cake/ouzo/chicago illinois. 2002

10. egypt/snake/bravery/archeologist/whip. 1981




Take a guess. PLEASE GUESS!!!! please

Words???? What words???

I promise words of the day to come. I have a lot of work to do tonight and I am feeling quite sick.

St. Louis--day 4!!!

Day 4, the last day of our trip. It is now Sunday morning, Easter. We decide to sleep in a little but we do need to get up because we need to leave Waynesville around 11am. My friend was nice and bought breakfast at McDonald's for everyone. I really have a feeling that she doesn't cook much. I think both sexy and I are really getting sick of fast food at this point in time. Sexy, more than me. I was really starting to feel bad at this point in time that she was not getting enough veggies. So much so that we had such a hard time later in the day deciding where to eat. So, we said our goodbyes and left for St. Louis. We arrived at the Arch with hardly a line at all to get in. Our tickets to the top were for 2 but they let us in even earlier. So, sexy and I got in this little tram car to go to the top of the Arch. I have to admit I was a bit nervous but I am really glad I had Sexy to hold my hand. And once we got to the top I realized it was all worth it. THe view was awesome. We spent sometime at the top enjoying the view and then we headed back down. Now it was time to get back in the car and head for chicago. We arrived back to the city about 5 hours later. It was nice to be back but of course it was sad that our trip was over. Overall the trip was great. I love travelling with Sexy. I really wish we could do it more often. I hope to post some of my favorite pics from the trip soon but until then checkout sexy's flickr sight. She has all the photos from the trip posted there.

St. Louis--day 3!!!

It is now Saturday morning and we are woken up early my my friends daughter who is just too excited to have visitors in the house. We heard her go running down the hallway crying to her mom. Sexy and I just rolled over and went back to sleep. A couple hours later we finally rolled out of bed. We took it easy and slowly got ready. Then sexy, arthena and I headed into Waynesville to have lunch. Of course we went to Sonic!!! We spent the next hour in my friends van eating lunch and talking. We even told my friend the whole story of how we met and how we almost got kicked out of Circuit......I am still surprised we didn't get kicked out!!! (x-rated) We then headed to dairy queen because we wanted a kit-kat blizzard. Of course they were out so we had to settle for a snickers blizzard instead. We then headed back to my friends and was her daughter ever excited to see us. Soon after we started to watch a movie. We watched Stranger Than Fiction. I wasn't too sure what to think at first but it ended up to be a good movie. When that was done I decided to take a nap. Sexy joined me in the bed. She read a chapter from Tales of the City to me and then I took my nap and she went on reading her book. An hour or so later Arthena woke us up so we could go to dinner. We were going to dinner at this restaurant that was in a cave. And the good thing was it was adults only. So, Arthena, her husband Tony, Sexy and I headed to the CAVE!!! The restaurant is called Caveman BBQ and Steakhouse. We head onto the backroads and into the woods. Tony was trying his best to make sexy nervous. A city gal out in the woods with no public transportation around! I guess it is a good thing we were among friends. We arrive at a parking lot and have to get into the van that takes us on a winding road, up a hill. We then get in this really old, creaky elevator. I am not to fond of elevators and definitely didn't like being pushed into one by some creapy old man and then him saying if the elevator doesn't crash then he'll see us after our meal. I gave just a little half-ass laugh. I think we went about 3 or 4 stories up the side of this cliff and then walked into the restaurant.....which was in a cave. We are seated at our table. I took a few minutes to just look around. Here we are sitting in a cave. It was very neat!!! I love caves. We sat for the next hour or two and ate and talked. The food was ok....not the best BBQ but we mostly went for the experience of eating in a cave. Yeah, I can check eating in a cave off my list of things I wanted to accomplish in my life time now! We then headed back to Waynesville to find a place to have a drink at. We ended up going to Tony's mom's bar. It is called Judy's Place. And check it out.....it is in devils elbow. It was really in the middle of nowhere it seemed like. We were there for about an hour where we played a few cames of pool and experienced the small town, missouri bar. County folk alright! Once we got back to Arthena's I noticed how beautiful the stars were. They were so bright. I spent sometime outside looking at them until sexy came out to get me. We then retired to our room for talk.........and of course FRISKINESS!!!

SNOW/RAIN!!!!!!!!!! What the HELL!!!!

What the hell is up with the weather? I know it is April and this sort of shit happens in April but come on! It was bad enough that my spring break last week was freakin freezing, but then I wake up to this snow/rain shit this morning. I could tell when I looked out the window it was going to be a bad day. I walked outside, very late for work. I went to open the fence, i gave it a hard push like I usually to but wouldn't you know the damn thing somehow lowered itself a few inches over the night and came swinging very hard back at me and hit me right in the hand. After screaming and cursing loud enough for everyone in the neighborhood to hear me I finished getting the fence open. I went to get in the car and noticed my wallet on the ground. I picked it up thinking it just fell out of my pocket...........no it had been on the ground on night. My nice, butch, leather wallet soaking up all the snow/rain shit all night long. Thank goodness my money was still it it but what a mess! I think I may need a new chain wallet now. But back to my hand. So, my hand hurts like hell all day long and as I am sitting here trying to type with it, it hurts even more. I probably should have went to the doctor but hell I am too tough for that! What the hell could they do if I broke my metacarpal anyway? Ice and drugs are definitely the way to go! If it swells up twice as big as my other hand or if i just can't stand the pain anymore, (remember I like pain) I might go to the doctor......like I said I might go!

St. Louis--day 2!!!

We will pick up Friday morning. Sexy and I slept in a little but not to late. Rick, the owner of the B&B left out around 9am and left us some wonderful pastries to eat. We went to the breakfast table where there was another nice note from Rick telling us he was glad we stayed and hoped we had a great time. He also left coffee, some pastries and melon and told us to help ourselves to whatever else we wanted in the fridge. It was so charming and delicious!!! We ate and then loaded all of our things back into the car. Took a few more pictures and left for the Arch. We arrived at the Arch and it was a lot busier than we had anticipated. It was also a lot colder than we anticipated. We walked up to the Arch and got in this really long line that seemed to not be moving at all. I decided to go across the grass to the other side of the arch to see how the line was. It was a lot shorter so sexy walked over to that line and after about 20 mins. we finally got inside. And would you believe that was just the line for security. Once inside you had to wait in even a bigger line to get tickets to the top. We decided we didn't want to wait in line. I then thought we could buy tickets online for Sunday. We had to come back through St. Louis anyway. So we left and headed for the city museum. First, I have to say that this city museum is like no other museum I have ever been too. It was definitely the highlight of the trip. I could probably talk forever on what we did at the museum. We had a great time climbing through caves, going down all sorts of slides and playing on a huge jungle gym. It was so cold outside but that didn't keep us from playing for over an hour out there. I will definitely post pictures when I get them. I took a lot of pictures of sexy as she tried out almost everything in the museum. I had a great time. I am also glad that I have such an adventurous girlfriend. We finally left the museum at about 6pm and headed out of the city for our 2 hour drive to my friend Arthena's house. We stopped for some gas and then to have Taco Bell. The food was good but our drink was dark colored soda water and they forgot our cinn. twists. Damn Taco Bell! On the way to Arthena's, sexy decided to read from the book she has been reading to me. I love being read too. We arrived at my friends around 8. We were quickly being entertained by my friends daughter who is 3. She asked us several questions from why is sexy's hair pink and mine red to can she do our hair. We gave in. She did both of our hair. Don't worry there are pics!!! I have to say that I do have a bit of a fetish for pain but having a 3 year old pull and yank my hair around was definitely not good pain. After getting our hair done by the 3yr. old we decided to head into Waynesville for some onion rings and some ice cream from Sonic. Unfortunately, Sonic was not open. We were so dissapointed. We decided to stop at Casey's and get some Cool Ranch Doritos and some cookies. We then went back to my friends and stayed up and ate and talked with my friend at the kitchen counter. It was very nice to do some catching up with my friend. After getting up fairly early and having a fun filled day sexy and I decided it was time to head to bed. We were so tired there wasn't even friskyness......you know we were really tired then! What a fun and exciting day!!!

Divorce Shit!!!

I know I have a lot of the trip to still write about and I will do that later. Right now while my Lentil soup is simmering I want to vent a little.....ok maybe a lot.

Today my boss pissed me off. Sent me a memo that was a bunch of crap. It was not even true. WOW, I can't wait till I find me another job. Secondly, I hate my ex right now. So, I took time out of my spring break to get divorce papers downtown last week. We had agreed we would handle it without lawyers and besides child support we agreed on everything. Of course he wants to have to pay less support than he should. Typical!!! So, I told him I got the papers, i even gave them to him to look at. Then yesterday he called me and said the papers look fine but he was confused. I said about what. He said that he wants Jr. I said we will have to agree on when you have him and I said it wasn't a big problem as he can get him when he wants. No, he said he wants him to live with him all the time. WHAT!!! Where the hell did this shit come from. Just out of the blue now he wants full custody of our son. And the way he said it was like it was no big deal. And I would just go along with it. Is he high??? Why would I give him custody of our son. So, now instead of handling this peacefully he wants to cause problems again. Now, I have to take a day off work and go downtown again but this time get other papers that have to be served to him. If he thinks this is going to make me change my mind about the divorce or make me like him, he is dead wrong. Right now I can't stand him and I definitely am going back to not talking to his ass anymore. He will here from my lawyer.....if I can ever afford one!!!

St. Louis--day 1!!!

I am finally home. I just got done picking up Jr. and finally got all my stuff and his stuff carried inside. I wanted to talk all about mine and sexy's trip to Missouri.

We left early Thursday morning. On the agenda was to drive to St. Louis, go to the cathedral, go to the contemporary art museum, check into the bed and breakfast, go to dinner, then to a lesbian bar and then back to the bed and breakfast for hot tub and friskyness. Can you believe it, we actually got that all done and we didn't even get to St. Louis till around 2pm. The drive to St. Louis was nice. I drove, sexy dj'd. It is so nice to go on a trip with someone who is nice to talk to and keeps me entertained while i'm driving. We arrived at the Cathedral Basilica around 2 and it was so beautiful. There were a lot of mosaics. There was even a mosaic museum there. Sexy and I both saw some very neat designs made out of mosaics. The topic of conversation turned towards tattoos when we saw this really awesome mosaic. Lets just say you may be seeing a similar mosaic from the cathedral on sexy or I one day. Then it was off to the Contemporary Art Museum were they had a special showing of Andy Warhol and Jim Hodges work. It was very interesting. I am definitely seeing myself getting more into art. After that we went to our bed and breakfast. We stayed at the Brewers House. When we got there we had a nice note from the owner telling us where are room was and to make ourselves at home. We found our room is was so cute and charming. A huge king size bed was in the room with a 3 paneled mirror above it. I am not joking!!! We carried all of our stuff in and then started to decide where to go for dinner. We decided on this Brazilian restaurant that turned out to not be that far away from our B&B. It was called Yemanja Brasil Restaurant. It was very good. The dessert was to die for. It was called Pavee da nena. Click on the link and you can see why it was so good. It was then off to Novak's which is a popular lesbian bar in St. Louis. Was a nice atmosphere. We didn't stay long, just long enough for one drink. That evening they were going to have a drag show but sexy and I decided that getting in the hot tub and friskyness sounded better. We headed back to the B&B. Right after we got there Rick, the friendly owner, showed up and took the cover off the hot tub for us. We enjoyed sometime in the hot tub and then retired to the bedroom.

Great Trip!

Sexy and I just got home from our trip. We had a great time. Details and words of the day will come soon I promise but right now I am exhausted. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I need some sleep.

Leaving Now!!!

I've been cleaning and packing all day. I am ready now. It is always nice to go on a trip and then come back to a fairly clean house. I am getting ready to leave to take my son to his father and then it is off to Sexy's. We will be leaving early in the morning to go to St. Louis and then on to Waynesville on Friday to visit and old college friend of mine. I am really looking forward to this trip. I will let you know all about it when I get back. See Ya!!

Better Day

When we last left off my life seem to be falling about in front of my eyes. I have to say things are much better now. I really had a peace come over me Monday that if Sexy and I talked this out and understood where each one of us was coming from we could work it out. That is exactly what we did. I am so happy that we got past this first really major bump in the road. We decided to focus on the now and we will deal with things when they come. A really great idea!

Now to update everyone on my new words. Friday's word was ewer. Saturday's word was vie. Sunday's word was furtive. Yesterday's word was imp and today's word is crony. I absolutely love the word imp. I definitely know some imps. I am going to make a list eventually of all of the words. Would you like me to post the definitions also? Give me some feedback.

What to do?

I know I left you all hanging and I am sorry. I am still in Iowa at my parents and it has been rough. I don't really feel like getting into depth about what happen. So, the brief version is I have been thinking about ways to get out of debt and one way was to possible move back to Iowa for a year. Don't really want to but thought it might be the best plan. So many things would have to happen in order for it to work out.....like a job most importantly. I felt like I shouldn't keep sexy in the dark about it so I decided to tell her Friday night when Jr. and I went over to dye easter eggs. Well, the evening did not start out good. Sexy was ticked off at me for a text message i sent being all silly. She definitely interpreted what I was saying the wrong way. I felt bad.....really bad. I apoligized and we talked about it and it was ok after that. Jr. and I walked up to the local taco shop to get dinner. After dinner we started to color eggs. We then had some time where we hid eggs and hunted for them. It was very nice and a good time. Then sexy gave me a gift. She gave me the cutest pair of shoes. They are green and purple. It was so sweet and I love the shoes!!!

Then things started to get bad. I told sexy what I was thinking about and possible moving to Iowa. She was agreeing and saying maybe that would be the best. Then I said I know it would be hard but I would still see her. Her reaction was definitely not what I expected. It was that we would not be together if I moved to Iowa. I knew it would be hard but i figured we would at least try. I didn't know what to say to that. So, I left feeling hurt and very unloved. So I have spent all weekend thinking about sexy and our relationship. And the worst part is I won't see her till probably Wednesday night and we are suppose to leave THursday for our trip.

I love Chicago and I would love to stay here. Sexy has told me she doesn't want to be the only reason I stay in chicago but if I move somewhere else we will not stay together. I feel like this is a no win situation. What do I do???

Impossible Situation

Don't feel like blogging right now. I am feeling very unloved at the moment. Things are not very good with sexy and I. I hate impossible situations!!!

Is your larder full?

First I will update you all on my words for the last two days. Yesterdays word was larder and todays word is demure. Thank you Connie and Anonymous for the words. Some of you may want to know were I am getting my words from and why I started this all. Well, I bought this crossword book and as I started doing the puzzles I realized I was having to look up some words. I had just had a conversation with sexy about how I should learn a new word a week and when I realized there are so many words that I don't know I decided I could easily do a word a day. I am keeping a list of them in my calendar. I will try to post my words daily. On a side note crossword puzzles are addicting. I love that kind of thinking. I am having all these new addictions lately. Maybe I should be concerned!!!

NA!!!