I guess this last year has been full of discovery. I have come out as a lesbian and this and other things have opened my eyes to a lot of new things. Growing up in my small Iowa town Christianity was your only option. My family was not super religious but church and sunday school were things I remembered as a child. I guess in high school I got messed up in the wrong crowd and i remember being told that Jesus could help me out of that. I got myself out but went to youth group to learn more about this jesus dude. I guess I had an off again on again relationship with jesus during my teenage years (a lot like my relationship with my parents). Then at a really low point in my life, when I was scared and depressed a friend invited me to church and I embraced being a Christian. Throughout college and into my adult years I was a christian and adopted the views of the Christian pentecostal. For the last few years as I struggled with my marriage and my deep dark secrets about my sexuality I was starting to feel abondoned by God. I reached out more, got involved in a new church but when my marriage fell apart and I was questioning my sexuality my church turned on me. They pretty much kicked me out and told me I was going to hell. I still tried to reach out to God but I felt and continue to feel nothing back. I think I still believe in God or at least a higher power. I guess I want to. I want to believe that after my life here on earth I can go to someplace wonderful but then maybe it doesn't matter. My life has been full of hurt and death lately and although I don't like to admit it, I am depressed. And I think when I am depressed I want to turn to my faith. Have something to believe in that gives me hope. I don't have that anymore and I miss it. I want to have a spiritual side. Something that makes me feel good when nothing else does. So as I am researching different religions I take an interest in wicca. Maybe some of my interest comes from the fact that I think wicca just sounds cool. Like this prayer. It speaks to me.
Hear ye the words of the Star Goddess; she in the dust of whose feet are the hosts of heaven, and whose body encircles the universe:
"I who am the beauty of the green earth, and the white moon among the stars, and the mystery of the waters, call unto thy soul: Arise, and come unto me. For I am the soul of nature, who gives life to the universe. From Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return; and before My face, beloved of gods and of men, let thine innermost divine self be enfolded in the rapture of the infinite. Let My worship be within the heart that rejoices; for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. And therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And thou who thinkest to seek Me, know that thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, thou wilt never find it without. For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am that which is attained at the end of desire."
Like with any faith jouney it takes time and a lot of reflection. I am starting over again. Maybe wicca is for me, maybe it is not. Time will tell.
1 comment:
I think that a lot of people turn to Wicca when they first start a journey of religious exploration--some stick with it, and some don't, like all things. I did not, and that's okay. I've since also tried Unitarian Universalism, which, while a very close fit in terms of beliefs, I found to be a little spiritually unsatisfying. I'd recommend giving UUism a look, even if you decide that Wicca is right for you (especially because very often, Wiccan communities aren't as thriving and regular about services and such, and UUism is more about communion and respect and being good people than about specific faith...though they're wonderfully regular and thriving). I'm glad you feel that you can seek what you need, now. :)
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