Polyamory!

I was trying to take a nap because I didn't sleep well last night but that didn't happen. I was just way to HORNY! So, I was laying there in my bed and started to think about Polyamory. A word that was not even really that familiar to me till recently. The other day I decided to do some research on Polyamory. For those of you who don't know what it is here is the definition. Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. As you can see from the definition this is a loving intimate relationship. It is not just about sex. Just having sex with others is more of the swinging lifestyle, defined as (Swinging, sometimes referred to as the swinging lifestyle, is "non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity, that can be experienced as a couple." Don't get them confused because they are very different. My kind, loving, monogamous self finds this topic very interesting. I started reading articles, blogs, etc to find out more about polyamory. You may be asking yourself why polyamory. Well, it all has to do with a dream I had earlier this week. A dream in which I was in love with and living with two women at the same time. Is it possible I asked myself??? I seemed pretty happy in my dream...actually very happy!!! In all my research I have realized that it is more popular than one would think. So this makes me think about monogamy. Is monogamy the only way? Why is it most people think that? Is it the way we are brought up? Is it put on us by religion? Maybe it is society? Is one person really capable of loving more than one person at a time? Funny how this subject sort of came up with some friends last night as we were driving back from the suburbs. My friend was talking about this gay couple that he knew and then he said that it seemed like one of them also had a boyfriend on the side. And I said something about maybe they were poly (meaning in a polyamory relationship) Not sure if my friend understood but it seemed like the consenses in the back seat was that it was just not natural. Why is it not natural? Who is the one that decided monogamy is natural? I think this is a great subject and I would like your feedback. Tell me what you think!!!

Horoscopes

I am not a big believer in horoscopes but I do look at them from time to time and I do think it is interesting when they are true. So here are my horoscopes for yesterday, today and then tomorrow.

Yesterday....
Look at your life and your primary relationships in order to take an inventory of what is working for you and what is not. Then, try to create a plan for the months ahead so that you can begin to reach your new goals. Even if it seems as if you have more than enough time, it's crucial to start the process now.
(this is definitely something I have been doing lately)

Today....
Pay attention to everything that is happening now, for you may be holding on to old habits that are getting in your way. Frustration is amplified if you are unwilling to change. Today, answers won't come from reading the manual or acquiring better data. You must trust your instincts, even if you are reluctant to believe your irrational feelings.
(isn't this the truth today. If only there was a manual for interpretting my feelings today. Am I holding on to old habits....i guess I should just trust my instincts)

Tomorrow....
You might have an unrealistically positive attitude today, but an unexpected outburst of emotional energy can leave you wondering what happened. You are able to transform an impossible situation into something that has great potential, but you must not attach your happiness to any one specific outcome. If you can accomplish this now, then you may be unstoppable. (well, this at least gives me hope that tomorrow will be a better day!)

Thank God For Chocolate!!!

This is one of those days that I am so glad that there is such things as chocolate and ice cream! When you just feel like shit and nothing is right in the world, chocolate makes things just a bit better. It helps you to feel that just maybe, maybe, you can get past all the shit and be ok. Maybe!

I really shouldn't be surprised. I have definitely learned in my life that when things are going well, shit will happen. It is like I am not fucking allowed to be happy for an extended length of time. For the most part I think I have spent most of my life not happy but I just put on a smile and deal with it. Well, I am fucking tired of that! One thing I have decided in the past month is that I need to be true to myself. I need to put myself first and damn everyone else. Damn, where did that come from. Anyway to the issue at hand. So, things have been going better lately. Still looking for a job but i have hope and other things in my life seem to be falling into place. Oh, how easily just a few words can change all that. I was so having the perfect day. Great sex, good sleep, waking up next to the woman i love, sharing a shower and recieving gifts of love.....................i should have known SHIT was about to happen!!! Then the question was asked. A question that has now consumed my whole day and i can't think of anything else. Why? I have a tough decision to make about this question asked of me and I can't help thinking that no matter what I decide it is a no win for me. I fucking hate NO WIN situations!!!

What's been happening!

When I last left off Sexy was making her decision on whether she wanted to be with me or not. She asked me to come over Monday night and I was already for her to break it off. I was pleasantly surprised when she said she wanted to give us another try. I am not sure if I deserve it or not but I am very happy that she loves me enough to try. We talked about a lot of things and issues. I was very pleased by our conversation. Definitely a good restart to things. I then spent the night Monday and Tuesday we spent most of the day together. Sexy was home getting ready to leave for her trip to San Francisco. Tuesday night we went out for drinks for her bosses birthday. I had a good time socializing with her friends. I love socializing with adults and i don't get to do enough of it. Wednesday I took sexy to work and said goodbye and then I went home and got out my finance book and got caught up on that. I then went to the suburbs last night for a square dance lesson. The partner of one of the girls in my class asked me last month if I was willing to learn plus with her over the summer. I said yes and last night we met at a house in the suburbs and I learned 10 new plus calls. It was a bit overwhelming but also fun. Hopefully I will remember them all next week because I will have to learn 10 more then. Last night I was up late watching a movie and waiting to hear that sexy arrived in SF ok. I got up late today and didn't get much done. Met with my Lawyer this evening. All is good there and hopefully the divorce with be finalized in the next couple of weeks. I am now over at sexy's checking my email and stuff. I came over to water her plants and take care of Mitzi. All is well here! Hopefully I will get my computer back this weekend! Till then.......

Church and the future...

Doing much better today. Yesterday I went to Des Moines to see my older sister. We then went to the horse races. We had a good time and I came out pretty good in the end. Won $26 on a $2 bet on one race. It was fun. Got home late. I was up again till 2am but I fell right asleep last night.

This morning I got up early to go to church. On my way to Iowa the other day I decided I was going to go to church. I had been listening to some of my Christian cds and they helped me to feel better and really spoke to me. I have been realizing that I stopped going to church because of what happened to me with my old church. I am definitely not going to let those hypocrites keep me from my faith anymore. I guess I have been questioning a lot of things about Christianity but I guess deep down I still believe in God and I know he didn't stop loving me just because I love women now. After church today we went and had breakfast and then I came back to mow my parents lawn. I really like mowing the lawn. It was a nice day today. I did some great thinking while I was mowing. I have been thinking a lot about what I want lately. I try to block out who I am with and just think about what I want in the future. I realized that I want the house, the kids, the yard to mow. I want to cook and barbeque. I want to fix things and work on home projects. I don't know the woman I will be doing all of this with but thinking about this makes me happy. Someday I hope it comes true.

Another bad night!

Last night I think I even got less sleep than I did the night before when I had my kidney stone. I am still feeling a bit ill from the kidney stone. Last night was simply too much on my mind. I had myself all worried about having another kidney stone and then I kept thinking about how Caitlin is currently deciding if we are going to be together or not. I then read her blog and it didn't make me feel any better. I hate that I have put her in this situation. I want to just talk about this and us both to decide what is best but I guess it has to be this way. I love her so much and I hoped that we could work through this. I really am having my doubts right now. She says she is torn 50/50. Not very good odds for me.

On a brighter note my dad is out of the hospital and doing better. And finally, I have finished my rainbow bag I had started a long time ago. I have been needing to sew the handles on for over 2 months now. Now it is done and I just have to figure out how to put lining in it. YEAH!!! Going to Des Moines now to see my sister. Trying to do things to keep my mind off of my relationship.

LOVE!!!

Kidney Stone!

Before last night I could say that it had been 5 years since I had a kidney stone. Not anymore! I was very rudely woken up at 2:30 last night by one of the darn things. For anyone who has ever had a kidney stone you know they can be very painful. I have a very high pain tolerance but as I was laying there last night all i could think about was how hard it was going to be to drive myself to the hospital with these 2 little kids at 3:00 in the morning in as much pain as I was in. I have passed about 7 kidney stones in my life and last night now makes 8. I usually tough it out for as long as I can and then go to the hospital. Last night I just toughed it out and thankfully it was a small one and it passed within a couple of hours. It is not just the pain. With it comes extreme nausea and a horrible urge to urinate. Overall, a very uncomfortable experience. It is funny how this came just a week after I was thinking about my last kidney stone attack. Fourth of July 2002 was a rough one. I passed 5 stones in two days. I will never forget that. I am just hoping that last night is it. Unfortunately, if history repeats itself there are more and probably soon. My kidney stones tend to travel in packs!!!

IOWA

Thought I would blog now since i will be heading to Iowa in the morning. My dad has been in the hospital and since I have Jr. this weekend I thought Iowa would be a good place to go. It is always nice to see my family. Right now sexy and I are at a weird place so it also seems like a good time to take a break from my crazy life in Chicago. Sexy and I talked on AIM last night and she is still really angry at me....which I understand. HELL i am angry at myself so I can only imagine how angry she is at me. I am realizing now how much she tried to help me this last year and I didn't listen. Do i ever regret that now! I made the stupidest mistake of my life! I guess it took something this awful for me to wake up and realize i need to make some serious changes. I think many positives will come out of this situation and are already coming out of it. Unfortunately, it may cost me Sexy. Right now she is trying to figure out if she wants to be with me or not. Things have definitely been better and we have been spending more time together but she still has serious doubts. So, right now I am in a waiting game. Waiting to see if she is willing to give us another shot or if it is over with us.

I'm Back!!!

I finally got my DSL all hooked up and working. My phone line was turned on today and it only took me a few hours to get everything hooked up. It has been about a week since I blogged last so I will just hit the highlights in my life.

Saturday, Sexy, her dad and I all went to a party in honor of her friend who just got married. We weren't there that long and then we took her dad to his motel near midway. He had a very early flight. Sexy and I then headed back to her place. Sunday sexy and I braved the heat and went to the Brandi Carlile concert at the Taste. It was HOT!!! At least we wore sunblock! After the concert we went and found some shade and then decided on what food we wanted to treat ourselves to at the Taste. We had Mango cumin-dusted fries with tamarind chutney, a vegetable somosa, hummus shirazi, and finally we had strawberry and lemon italian ice. I think we got a lot of variety for our 16 tickets, and the food was all good. By this time we were hot and getting tired but we decided to head to Millinium Park and walk through the water. We got a little bit wet and it was nice and cool for the ride home on the train.

Monday night was a square dance. I was so glad when I got there and found out it was going to be in the basement where it is air conditioned. It still got plenty warm in there with about 30 people dancing. I had a good time and then headed over to sexy's. I had some ice cream then it was off to bed because we had to be in Hyde Park by 9 am on Tuesday.

After sexy's dentist appointment we went to the health food store in Hyde Park and then we went to visit one on sexy's friends in Hyde Park. I had a good time listening to her and her friend talk about books and other things. We then walked to the record store. Sexy got some good deals on a couple of records and I got hit on! We then headed to Chinatown for tofu and lunch. Lunch was great. I had pineapple chicken with shrimp fried rice and it came in a cut out pineapple. Pretty cool! We both had Tapioca smoothies. Different but very good! I am definitely going to have to go to Chinatown again soon. It was almost like taking a vacation right in chicago!

Independence Day!!!

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!

This 4th of July was full of firsts for me. Yesterday i had a job interview downtown and afterward I decided to go to Grant Park and hang out. So, I pulled out my blanket and spent the next 8 hours there. I read 1 1/2 books, got to enjoy some of the Taste, took a nap and of course saw the fireworks. There were thousands of people around. It was pretty crazy. Thanks to Caitlin for stopping by and keeping me company for a while. I ended up getting home at about 12:30 last night after I fought the crowd and then rode my bike home in the rain.

Today I slept in. Lounged around the house, watched some flicks on my computer and decided I should probably get out and do something instead of mope around the house all day.....and I am so glad I did!!! I decided to treat myself to a movie. This was the first time I ever went to a movie by myself. I went to see Knocked Up. It was hilarious!!! I am so glad I picked that one to go to. There are so many movies I want to see that are out now. I will definitely have to treat myself to a movie again soon. After the movie I went to the parking garage, 3rd floor, to get my car and I looked out at the city and you could see fireworks everywhere. I spent the next 20mins or so just watching them. It was amazing and beautiful. I was even more glad at this point that I decided to get out!

Things I have learned!!!

Things I have learned in the past two weeks!!!

1. Do not keep things from the one's you love.
2. Sometimes you have to humble yourself and admit you don't know everything.
3. Sometimes you have to ask for help.
4. Sometimes giving too much of yourself is not healthy.
5. First steps in how to handle money.
6. Do things that are important to you so you don't have regrets later.
7. The importance of being a proud gay woman.
8. That I am a wonderful person.....and quite sexy too!!!
9. The Indigo Girls ROCK!!!
10. Always and I mean ALWAYS.......WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!!!!!!!!

Bike Riding and the EX!!!

My internet hasn't been shut off yet so I thought I would blog. I would have to say that yesterday was a nice day. Jr, sexy and I went for a bike ride along the lake front. It was beautiful out. It seemed like fun was had by all. Even by Jr. who wrecked his bike but with some convincing got back on to finish the ride. After the ride we went to the beach where the 3 of us dipped our feet into the lake. Jr. was more daring and got in up to his waist. Sexy, left and Jr. and I rode our bikes back to the car then headed home to grab all of his things he is taking to his dad's. We fought traffic and met up with his dad. I have to say my ex has really come around lately. We have been talking a lot more and it seems we have become friends. He isn't up to his tricks. Of course, time will tell. Sometimes I can be a bit too trusting. He is proving himself though. He stopped fighting me on the divorce and custody. He is paying childsupport and has a plan to pay debts off to me. Something else.....he was really there for me when my grandfather died. I was so upset and was finding it hard to talk about. It was hard to talk to the people closest to me for many reasons. But he made the time to make sure I was ok. That really meant a lot to me. We always did make better friends so I hope that will be the case.
Last night I spent the night at sexy's. Not sure where we stand right now and we definitely have a lot to talk about but I am enjoying spending time with her.

Bye, bye internet!

I am getting my internet cut off today so it may be a little while before I blog again. I had a good day with Jr. We got up early and biked to Grand ave. where we caught the bus to Navy Pier. We then spent the morning and some of the afternoon at the Children's museum. I enjoyed watching Jr. play. I have to say the best was when we made our little miniature house in the building area. I love to build things! Jr. said it was his favorite part too. I am so glad he had such a good time. We then ate lunch and then loaded our bikes on the Chicago bus and headed back to the West side. We then rode our bikes back home from Chicago Ave. I have really enjoyed bike riding and it has been extra special the last couple of days to ride bikes with me son. Tomorrow we are meeting Caitlin and going on a bike ride with her. Jr has really been wanting to see her and he asked last night when we were riding around Humboldt park if Caitlin had a bike. I told him yes and he then decided we all had to go on a ride together. It should be fun. Jr and I went to my square dancing class. Everyone enjoyed meeting him and he was so well behaved. We then came back home and did some light cleaning and then we started to watch a movie together. He fell asleep so now I am just messing around on the internet. Hope to write soon.