Random thoughts!

I just got back from picking up my son. I have missed him a lot. Only have him for the weekend and then he is off to his dads for a month. We have a lot planned. We are going to eat dinner and then go for a bike ride. Tomorrow is packed with the Children's museum and then square dancing and then dinner. Sunday maybe the Taste but Jr. really wants to ride bikes with Caitlin. Don't know how she will feel about that. ??? Did a lot of thinking as I traveled today. Hours in my car jamming to the Indigo girls and thinking about life. I guess I am really questioning things in my life. My career, my relationship, where i live.

My career! As i am spending a lot of time looking for jobs , I am realizing that there are more things I would like to do in life then just teach. But right now that is what I know to do. I think I will give myself 1 or maybe 2 more years and then see if I am ready to do something different. I have dreams....now I just have to line everything up so they can come true.

My relationship! I guess maybe it took something big in my relationship (my fault big)to realize that it wasn't as strong as I thought. I think that maybe sometimes when you love someone you can become reckless. (but sometimes that is love) I fell for sexy hard and wanted to love her the best I could and with all I could. In the end, if it is not returned there is not much that can be done about it. As much as I love her and want to be with her I can't if she doesn't want to be with me. ( I am sure i will write more on this later)

Where I live! Why is it everyone thinks I should move??? My parents want me back in Iowa, my ex wants me to move to Champaign, friends want me to live closer. What do I want? That is a good question! Well, knowing me I am tough and stubborn and have a tendency not to listen to others so I will probably stay right here!!!

Accomplished

I am starting to finally feel I am gettting a little accomplished in my life. Today I got up called 21 schools, faxed out 9 resumes and have 4 more to mail out and 2 to take to schools next week. I set up an interview for a parttime job for the summer. I went over to sexy's tonight. She is helping me to get my finances in order. It was a big help and I am so happy to start using my new system. It was very nice seeing her. I have missed her a lot. I am not quite sure where we stand right now but as she said tonight, in time our relationship will be defined. I have to keep going forward. I am going to pick up Jr. tomorrow. I only have him for this weekend and then he is going to his dads for a month. I have lots of jr and mommy time planned for the weekend.

Watershed!!!

As I was up late last night listening to some music. I decided to look up some of the lyrics to some of the songs I was listening too. I listened to Watershed by the Indigo girls and it really touched me. I guess for me the last week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I love when a song can say how I am feeling. I think this is why I like the Indigo girls so much. They write their own songs and most of them have meaning behind them. So check it out! Watershed

I guess I have realized a lot of things in my life that I need to do differently. "the ghost of someone's tragedy, how recklessly my time has been spent" "they say it's never to late but you don't, you don't get any younger" "i better learn how to starve the emptiness and feed the hunger." This helps me to realize that I am such a passionate person and I have so much to do in my life. I don't want to "go full circle round catch a breeze take a spin but end up where I started again''

Time for a change!!!

Indigo Girls!!!

I have become the biggest Indigo Girls fan!!! I was so glad that sexy said she still wanted me to go to the concert with her. I was really sad about missing them. I was really nervous about it though. It is still so new and emotional with us. And confusing! I just decided to act natural and let her take the lead. So, sexy and I went to Rivinia last night to see the Indigo Girls. We had lawn tickets. I packed a picnic full of fruit, vegies, cheese, crackers, chocolate and many other things. Brought along some fruity malt beverages to go with our meal. We got there just minutes before Brandi Carlisle was set to go on stage but we were able to find a small little area under a tree just behind the main stage. It really was the perfect spot! I liked Brandi Carlisle a lot. The Indigo Girls were great. It was so great to hear Amy and Emily live and to be that close......like I said I have become a huge fan! I stayed on the blanket for a few songs and then decided to walk to the end of the main pavilion. Sexy joined me. We stood there, me holding her, and singing to the Indigo Girls. It was nice. A few songs I got pretty emotional. Just thinking about everything that has happened in the past week. Standing there with my arms around the girl that I love, not really knowing what she is thinking about and how she feels about me. Then this nice couple give us their tickets and we go inside to watch some of the show. We were part of the crowd that stood on their feet as Amy and Emily sang Closer to Fine. It was awesome. For the encore performance we were back out on our blanket, lying there under the stars. When the concert was over it was a mad dash to get inline for the train back. It was a bit scary at times as people were pushing. People tend to loose their minds in crowds. It is so stupid. Thank goodness everyone seemed to get on the train safely. The train ride back sexy finished her book and I reflected back on the evening. We got back to sexy's, put aloe on and got ready for bed. I don't think either one of us slept well. Our sunburns from Pride were really hurting. I can't wait to see the Indigo Girls again!!!

Pride

Sunday was the pride parade. Sexy and I talked for a long time Saturday night. Although a lot was talked about i am still very confused. I guess it comes down to she still wants to see me and hang out and do all the "good things" we did in our relationship but can't think about a future together at this time. This totally confuses me! I guess to me i want her in my life so i will try to do what she wants. We decided to watch the pride parade seperately. She was hanging out with some of her friends and i was going to watch my first pride parade with some of my gay square dancing friends. Sunday, i got up early, fixed my bike and then trecked the several miles to the parade. My friends called and said they were running really late. I was so bored at the beginning of the parade. Then i ran into another square dancing friend. He is so nice and decided to hang out with me and keep me company. By the time my friends got there toward the end of the parade i had had a great time dancing, jumping and being whipped! We then decided to go to Andies for dinner. Caitlin's friends bailed on her so she asked if she could join us. My friends said it was ok with them but i was trying not to make it awkward for anyone because lord knows it was awkward enough for me. On the way there my bike tire explodes.....not a fun time. By the time I get to Andies i feel like i am about to pass out and my sunburn is starting to hurt badly! Yeah, dummy me....no sunblock! After dinner i take my bike and lock it up outside a bike shop and Sexy invites me to her place. She puts aloe on my sunburn and then we start making out which leads to sex. Good sex! I left her place in a good mood thinking this might be ok. If i can still see her and have great sex, maybe I won't have to focus on the future right now. I have plenty to work on in my own life. Overall, my first pride was good. Happy Pride everyone!!!

break up

Right now i am suppose to be marching in the dyke march but instead i am blogging. why? because i am stupid. Just when i start to think i can get through the fact that sexy broke up with me, i realize i can't.

What happened was she trusted me with something and i abused that. why did I do it? i don't know. I was weak and i should have never let her trust me with it. I was afraid it would get out of control. god i wish i could rewind time. So things were great with us.....really great. During the movie it was hard. she was busy and tired, i lost my grandfather but we were doing ok. That changed in an instant when she found out what i had done! i was devasted and felt awful and still do. i wanted to tell her, i didn't want her to find out like this. For her she lost her trust in me and i think she questions who i am and questions everything i ever did for her. WOW! i love her so much and i did all the things i ever did for her out of love. but this one big thing ruined all of that and i guess to her made it all meaningless. This of course makes me feel worse than i ever thought i could. so she dumped me. this was just to big for her. i guess i thought she would need some time but we would still see each other and try to rebuild our relationship but obviously she doesn't want that. i shouldn't be surprised, we are practically opposites. i should know the way i react would be totally different than her. so somehow i have to move on and try to have a future with out the one person i wanted to have a future with. My sister told me breakups just mean you weren't meant to be together. but i thought we were. we had a very carnival sort of love, we were so different but god was it great. i wanted to have a future with her! Somehow i will manage to pick up the pieces and move on. someday, somehow!

drunk

yes, it is after 4. I am fucking drunk. Maybe i will keep blogging after all. thank you michelle and dave for taking me out tonight. I think i am going to go pass out now.

bye

can't do this anymore. life is too hard right now.

I'm Off!

I wanted to blog real fast before I left this morning to tell you all I am ok. Well, maybe not exactly ok but at least I have goals and plans right now. I hurt sexy very badly and she wants space. I don't know exactly what that means for us but I love her and I will give herwhat she needs. Meanwhile I got to get my life in order. So, one of my goals is to get a job. Well, I have one today. I am driving someone to Kentucky today. His car, his gas, i just get paid to drive. Driving I can do. I am going on 3 hours sleep. It is going to be a long day!!!

My Fucking Life!!!

So, everyone wants a blog...well here is a blog for you!!! I am a FUCKING Idiot!!! Why haven't I been blogging? Because my life is fucking falling apart and I just keep adding to the downward spiral. I lost my job, my grandfather and now I am about to loose my girlfriend. I don't understand it all. This has by far been the most stressful and hardest year of my life. I just wish it would end. I can't take it anymore. I'm defeated! Am I to blame for all of this? Well, with sexy yes. She trusted me and I fucked that up. She has been the ONE good thing in my life this year....how could I do this to her? I love her more than I have ever loved anyone before. I am smart so how could I do something so dumb. I am so emotional now and full of anger I just don't know what to do!!!

I'm here!!!

Ok Connie here is your post! I have been super busy and have been out of town. School is done and I will try and make time to blog now. I have a list of things to do before I pick up Sexy this afternoon so I got to run. More to come..........................

Crazy!!!

I feel like I am going crazy these days. Right now I am sitting at home and I have tons to do but am feeling unmotivated to do any of it. Sexy started shooting for the movie she is working on today. It has been so nice to spend some time with her this week. I know for the next couple of weeks it is going to be just seeing her for a few minutes as she crawls into my bed. She might be staying with me when she is filming close. I will definitely take the minutes i get. I am so happy for her. This is a good opportunity for her and I am more than happy make the sacrifice. I am also watching her cat while she is filming. Yes, Mitzi came to stay with me last night. Right now she is under my bed. I can't seem to get her to come out. I hope when she has to crap of something she will at least come out and find her litter box. I know she is a bid scared and I want to hold her and pet her but she seems to just want to hide. I bet when Jr. comes home later he will get her out. She loves to play with him. So the next few weeks are going to be super busy for me. Next Friday is my son's kindergarten graduation and my family is coming from Iowa. They are going to be her for 3 days. We are going to have a bbq at my home to celebrate....jr's idea! He wanted to have a party! So, I will be busy with that this week. Work is also winding down. Only 2 more weeks left!! BUSY, BUSY, CRAZY, CRAZY!!!