doctor appointment

I went to the doctor on Monday. Lost 10 pounds since I was there two months ago. yeah! I love my doctor. She is so nice and she actually wants to get to know her patients. She even remembered I was a lesbian. I love it when she asks we questions about my sex life, although it is non-existent now. It is cute! I had her take a look at my arm and unfortunately the scabs had just came off so there wasn't much to look at. One sore was starting to come back. She seemed a little concerned. She told me to wait a couple of weeks and call the office and come in to get a biopsy done. So if it continues to grow I will get it biopsied and then go from there. That is all the news I have for now. Will let you know when the biopsy happens.

Life is too short!

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

Love the people who treat you right.

Forget about the ones who don't.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.

If it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life would be easy.

They just promised it would be worth it.

square dancing

I watched an excellent movie this last weekend called Soldier's girl. I really want to blog about it but right now I am way to tired. So that blog is to come.

Jr. and i got to bed late last night because I went to a square dance. I had a good time at the dance. I had very mixed emotions about going dancing. Caitlin and I usually went to dances together. I knew she wasn't going to be there but i didn't know if I was ready to field the questions like.....Where is Caitlin? Yes, I could just say she is out of state because I know she is but I figured it wouldn't be that easy. Plus, I knew some of her good friends would be at square dancing and I didn't know how they would act in front of me. Well, fortunately only one person asked where she was and after explaining she is out of state and we are no longer together he continued to talk to me and made me feel so good about my decision to go to the dance. Thanks Michael. Also, only one of Caitlin's friends was there and he acted cool to me. It is always awkward staying friends with friends of your ex but I do hope that I can with some of them. I was very happy in the end that I went.

Being dumped!

I decided it was finally time to clue everyone in on my breakup. Over 4th of July weekend Caitlin, Jr and I went on a trip to her grandparents in western PA. It was a good trip and Jr. had a great time. Even as we left we talked about the next trip to the farm and how he was excited the next time he was going to learn how to shoot archery. There was a little incident on the way back that changed the mood in the car. It involved Caitlin getting upset and throwing cookies at Jr. I was shocked and bit upset but soon I just shook it off as something we would talk about later.

So when we got back we dropped Jr off at his dads and went to Caitlin's to spend the night. Got there and kissed for awhile then I ran out to get something to eat and bagels for breakfast. While I was gone Caitlin had been on the phone. She said her mom and aunt said hi and her aunt really liked Jr and said Caitlin should be nicer to him. So it was a good lead in to talking about the incident in the car. She apologized, i told her it happens and I am here to help her with dealing with Jr. I told her she has come a long way. She told me she just doesn't know if she can do it. I reminder her that he is part of the package. He comes with me. She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn't think she can deal with that anymore. That she used the trip to the farm as a test to see how her life would be like with me and my son. She said she couldn't see her life like that. That she couldn't see herself EVER living with a kid. WOW! I was shocked I couldn't believe it. The same kid I have had throughout our relationship and now all of a sudden she can't deal with that. She had been thinking about this and talking to her therapist about it but didn't bother to tell me anything about it. She said she was eventually going to come to my place and tell me but she knew it would be the end for us. I was in shock, i didn't know what to say so i left for some space and air. I mean we had just had a wonderful trip and I was spending the night and everything seemed to be fine. I needed to clear my head. Talked to some friends and went back but she refused to talk with me. Said we had no chance and it was stupid to keep talking about something that wasn't going to change.

Two years, she dumps me and then refuses to really even give me the whole story. We did talk again for closure i guess but all of this doesn't make sense to me so i didn't really have closure. I mean how can things be great one moment and then boom they are over. I think she is really confused. She says she loves me and that is why this is so hard. Whatever, when you love someone you try to make it work. She doesn't. For some reason her answer is to dump me and then think about it. I really hope she gets her shit together. She knows I was a great girlfriend and she is going to miss all the shit I did for her. I made her #1 in my life and this is how she treats me. She says it is over so I am forced to move on. So the last month has been a whirlwind of emotions. I thought she was the one I was going to have a future with. Things were good with us and I thought we loved each other. At least I know I loved her with all my heart. So now it is over and I have to somehow move on without the one person i loved. Although I love her I feel very used. The thing that pisses me off the most is how she used my son. He was innocent in this. He cared for Caitlin a lot and thought she cared for him in return but I guess that is not the case. It is all very sad and troubling!

Nice Ass!

I know it is late but I had such a good evening I wanted to blog about it. Tonight I had a friend come over that I hadn't seen in two years. We dated for a few weeks a couple of years ago. We had kept in touch a little over the past few years but haven't seen each other till tonight. She came over, i cooked dinner, we watched a movie and did lots of talking. I had such a lovely evening. She told me that I looked good. She said I had lost weight but had a rounder ass. Which she thought was pretty fine! It is so nice to be complimented and "hit on" by another woman. It definitely restores some of my self confidence that was damaged when I got dumped.

I'm Moving!

Up until about 3 weeks ago the plan was for me to move to Edgewater or Rogers Park area. It was to be close to the gf and to be closer to my work. Moving is something I have wanted to do for awhile but haven't been financial stable enough to do it. With the new job I knew I would be able to do it by the end of the summer. But as we all know my life has been turned upside down the last few weeks. The future I thought I was going to have changed in a blink of an eye. So, the first thing I did was postpone the move. After doing a lot of thinking about it today at work, because i was so bored by myself, I decided I am still going to move. I need a change and besides I am already tired of the drive. I want to move to Andersonville or possible Edgewater. What single woman doesn't want to live in Andersonville (lesbianville). So the move is back on for September 1st. If anybody knows of any 2 bedrooms available in that area for $900 or less let me know.

skin cancer X2

I have a doctor's appointment on Monday to get my yearly and to also have her look at the sores on my arm. Yes, there are more than one now. They look so weird and the fact that there are now two almost convinces me that it is not something good. At least I stopped picking at them and I have a doctor's appointment. I will let everyone know how it turns out.

Reading Draft!

I am sad that I only have one more reading draft left. It is the best root beer! Since I have no reason to ever visit Reading, PA again I guess I am just going to have to live without my birch beer. I have checked online and they just don't sell it online. So sad :-(

sick

Feeling sick today. Both Neddy (other AD) and I were upset to our stomachs and just feeling yucky today. It didn't help that I woke up at 4:30am because I had a dream about the ex gf and then couldn't get back to sleep. I am doing much better at getting her out of my head but I guess you can't control your dreams.

Jr. started camp today and had a good time. We came home tonight and cooked and then played chess. It is great having him back for this week. My melatonin is starting to kick in so I better head to bed.

Boxers or Briefs

Jr. and I were invited to a bbq today by my new friend Kat. She lives with her sister who has two kids, a 12 and a 7 year old. I was excited to be going to a friends house where there would be other kids around that jr. could play with. Unfortunately, the 7 year old was gone but jr. still had lots of fun playing games. As a group we played Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader which Jr. and I love and then we played Boxers or Briefs. It was a hilarious game. I love playing get to know you games. So along with Apples to Apples and Whoonu I am going to have to add Boxers or Briefs to my list of favorite party games.

Friday Night

Went to the Vic tonight with a new friend. I had no idea that they showed movies there. It was really neat. We saw two movies for only $5 and we could drink alcohol at the say time. The drinks were very reasonably priced too. It's called the Brew and View. We saw Baby Mama which was pretty funny. Then we saw The Happening. I'm not sure what I thought of this movie. Eerie and weird, a little scary in parts. Left me with a lot of unanswered questions. I really wanted to like it but I just couldn't get into it. It was nice to get out but unfortunately both movies took place in PA which just brought back to many painful memories.

Everyone Poops!

As I was walking through work today I saw this book standing up on the table in one of the classrooms. Everyone Poops. It caught my eye so about the 4th time I walked by it today I grabbed it and took it back to the office to read. It was hilarious! A little disturbing but funny! I definitely recommend taking a look at it.

Almost passing out

Even when one is really depressed they should eat and sleep. I have had trouble doing both. Sure I've dropped 10 pounds in the last week but my body is really messed up right now. I had to learn the hard way tonight. I almost passed out at the store tonight. I had to open a package of granola bars right there at the store in hopes it would give my body enough instant nutrition. That sort of scared me a little. I am going to end up in the hospital if I don't start eating and sleeping. I am off to bed now. Hopefully i will sleep.

What could have been......

I wanted you in my future,
Now the future is too hard to look at.

You could have been my everything but
Now you're nothing but a painful memory of the love we had.

I could have made you happy but
I guess my love wasn't enough.

My heart is breaking,
Life is too short for such heartache.

Can I get some sleep?

I am so frustrated about many things right now but the most may be my inability to sleep. And what the hell is waking up at 4am and not being able to get back to sleep all about. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Any suggestions?

Skin Cancer???

So, I have had this spot on my arm for a couple of weeks. No big deal except it is the same arm I had a severe sunburn on last year. I can't seem to leave it alone. I have this nervous habit of picking at things. I keep picking it off and it scabs over and then I pick it again. i finally called the doctor today and the nurse thought it would be best to make an appointment just in case. I knew what she meant? My doctor appointment isn't for two more weeks. I hope in that time it goes away and then i won't have any worries.

The Future!

When I woke up this morning the topic of the future was on my mind. Here is what the dictionary says future means: fu·ture (fychr)n.1. The indefinite time yet to come: Indefinite. That words is what is so complicated about the future. No one knows what is to come.

I have actually been thinking a lot about my future in the last couple of months. Trying to figure out what I want or trying to imagine what my future would be like and it just gives me a headache. So I have developed the philosophy of living in the now. The last few years have made me develop this philosophy.

If one would have asked me what I thought my future would have looked like 8 years ago. I would have said I would be happily married to my husband and have a wonderful family and a job I love. Well, we know that didn't happen. I hated my job, my marriage fell apart, etc. I take a look at the events of the past few years. divorce, coming out as a lesbian, 3 different jobs, lots of financial hardship, friends leaving, new relationships. Things I never imagined in my future but they happened. So often people think they control their future. To a point but unfortunately others can definitely impact the future too. So, what is in my future. I don't know and thinking about it isn't going to make it come true. What is important is to do what makes you happy. Life is to short to be miserable. So, i will do what makes me happy today and keep doing that.

Off to the movies!

Going to the drive-in. Hopefully I can stay awake!

Gay Marriage and focus on the family

Everyone should check out this article from the Utne Reader. I am not sure if marriage is something I will ever want again but i do see myself in a relationship in the future and I feel i should have rights whether i am married, living together or apart. I am an advocate for all types of families and relationships. Why should just married couples get benefits. Society is made up of many different "families". I feel it is unfair that society throws marriage at us as the only option whether straight or gay. Here is a little bit from the article but i suggest reading it all.

I propose family law reform that would recognize all families’ worth. Marriage as a family form is not more important or more valuable than other forms of family, so the law should not give it more value. Couples should have the choice to marry based on the spiritual, cultural, or religious meaning of marriage in their lives; they should never have to marry to reap specific and unique legal benefits. I support the right to marry for same-sex couples as a matter of civil rights law. But I oppose discrimination against couples who do not marry, and I advocate solutions to the needs all families have for economic well-being, legal recognition, emotional peace of mind, and community respect.

I'm back!

I have returned to the world of blogging! I promise to blog more. I have really missed it. Updates to come!

Sleep

I wish I could sleep. I've been up for 22 hours. I've gotten less than 20 hours of sleep since last Sunday night. I just want to sleep!

When Love isn't enough!

Breaking up really sucks. Especially when you have no say in it. When you give everything of yourself to someone and now you just feel so empty inside. When you loved more than you ever loved before just to have your heart shattered on to the floor. What did I do wrong I keep asking myself? Nothing! I guess love just isn't enough!